Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Fighting to Stay Grounded

Lots of pain today as we try to keep some sense of being grounded. You fight symptom and exhaustion is always there. But you keep going.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

You Have to Protect Yourself

Another night with almost no sleep. This time, a break from nightmares. You wake up around 2 a.m. try to rest. Will this work? If you turn something on, you'll stay up all night. But sometimes you can't go back to sleep, and need some way to feel safe.

Is everything violently triggering? Right now it feels like it. You have to screen everything. Don't give into the voyuer part of you that wants to see listen or read something that you know will make you violently dissociate and then black out. Your system literally shorts out. Then when you come to, you have no idea where you are. Are you safe? Or, will you black out again.

You try to protect yourself. Some days you literally have no noise. But even at times like that, the pain is still there. There's no place to escape. You try the usual mix of tricks to reground yourself. But at times, nothing works.

What do you do then?

All day long you fight to scream and get pain out. You can't just sit back and do nothing. At the end of the day you're totally exhausted. But you also have a sense of temporary relief. You can focus and not feel like you're under attack.

Symptoms are always there. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to fight back.

Why are other people horrible? I don't know. However I do know that you have to protect yourself. You don't want to feel burned out, cynical and turn into a total monster.

But you have to protect yourself.

Am I responsible for stopping all of the pain in the world? No I'm not. If the worst happens and Trump wins, I know it's not my fault.

Protect yourself.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Screen Everything

Unfortunately you can't screen every triggering thing. But you try to protect yourself as best you can. Lots of pain and exhaustion. But no matter what, it's not your fault.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Protect Yourself

Trying to rest and pay attention to small things in how you feel. Part of it is also facing the total reality of how horrible your trauma history has been and continues to be. After being repeatedly raped between the ages of 8 to 10, I've had horribly severe PTSD symptoms. I've also had severe psychosis symptoms and an addiction to soft core porn.

Now, the porn addiction is gone. I still have psychosis symptoms at times. But it's still a battle. It's important to try and face your history as best you can, without endangering yourself.

You have horrible moments where you cry, feel depressed and get bombarded with pain. On the other hand,  avoiding it only makes it worse.

Protect yourself.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Trying Not to Dissociate

Almost no sleep last night. Today, it's been trying to focus and to not black out. You have flashbacks to abandonment, pain and how scary your trauma history has been and continues to be. But no matter what, don't dissociate. Don't fall apart and have no idea where you are.

Some days you have no noise. You just want peace and quiet. You don't want to be bombarded with pain. You have to face your history as best you can, as long as it doesn't endanger you in some way.  You want to feel safe.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Trying to Focus

Another day of fighting symptoms and exhaustion. Can I get any sleep? Almost never. Are my PTSD symptoms draining my chi? I think so. I'll talk to my doctor on Thursday to find out more.

In the meantime, you have to screen everything to protect yourself. You can't stop all triggering stuff. But you can't just sit back and do nothing.

I don't want to dissociate and vanish. Do something else. Don't give into letting your guard down. Protect your well being.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Lower Chi Today

My heart function rate goes slightly up. But my chi level is going down. It's a struggle to eat 3 small meals and drink something. What are the reasons? Not sure yet. Hopefully later this week we'll know more.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Trying to Balanace

Went to a cardiologist appointment about two weeks ago. My heart function rate is up to 45%. Still below normal (55-65%) though. Now, my function rate is up, but my appetite is going down. I used to be able to drink about 6 glasses a day. Now I can barely drink 3.

What's causing this? Also, my energy level is down. I can exercise, but it takes more out of you than before. Is my adrenal burnout affecting this as well? I'm not sure.

But I do know that in my case, dissociating is an addiction that I always struggle with. You think it's a way to escape pain. But it's not. It just makes it worse.

You just want to feel safe.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Face It Head On

Another day of symptoms and pain. Face your history head on as best you can. I really don't want to relapse and disappear. You have to protect yourself.

Don't intentionally put yourself in a situation where you might want to then dissociate and not know where you are. Protect yourself.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Severity of Symptoms

Fighting after another dissociative relapse to not set myself up again to fall apart. It's like any addiction. Violent dissociating only makes pain worse. But for so long it was an escape/addiction to try and escape from pain. But it didn't work.

Drug addicts fight to not relapse. In my case, dissociating is like binge drinking. Protect yourself. Do something else. Sometimes this means no sleep for 2 or 3 days at a stretch. It's the severity of your trauma history beating you really hard.

You don't want to fall apart. You don't want to disappear and not know where you are.

Regardless of what the causes are behind your history, protect yourself as best you can.

I don't want to go back to even worse pain.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016


Sorry to be offline for a while. But symptoms have been a real battle to deal with. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying talks about facing your pain head on as best you can without endangering yourself. Denial and various ways to escape (drug use, gambling, junk food, sex, etc) will only make pain worse.

Right now, as best I can, I'm trying to not hide behind denial. I can't save the world all by myself. If the worst happens and Trump wins, it's not my fault. Obama says look the other way as powerful Afghans have sex parties and rape the s**t out of innocent little kids. Can I save them, all by myself? No I can't. How come millions of people want nothing to do with this ongoing crime? I don't know.

I just don't want to relapse and literally disappear. In the past, pain was so severe that I literally blacked out. Then, you suddenly wake up and have no idea of where you are. Your system literally shorts out from trauma.

I still have the full range of complex dissociative disorder (CDD) symptoms. It's a never ending battle to not dissociate and fall apart. But what other choice do I have?

You can't save the world all by yourself. Instead, protect yourself as best you can. Your well being comes first. Then deal with Trump, Hillary and all the rest of it.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

More Exhaustion

Went to a doctor appointment today. What's causing the exhaustion? Is it a new heart problem? Or just my PTSD symptoms? It's like I can't shake it, no matter what. You're constantly fighting to not dissociate. You don't want to slip an go back to lots of salt an sugar in the diet. Then, you put on lots of weight and feel miserable.

Protect yourself.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Protect Yourself

Exhaustion all day long from fighting symptoms. You never get a break. When you get up in the morning, you have no energy.

What else can you do?

Sunday, October 2, 2016

A Struggle

Battling to not violently dissociate and fall apart. When you have brief moments of clarity, there's also horrible depression. You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. But it's a struggle to not get trapped in that.

It's like the full reality of your trauma history relentlessly hits you. There's nowhere to hide.