Tuesday, October 25, 2016

You Have to Protect Yourself

Another night with almost no sleep. This time, a break from nightmares. You wake up around 2 a.m. try to rest. Will this work? If you turn something on, you'll stay up all night. But sometimes you can't go back to sleep, and need some way to feel safe.

Is everything violently triggering? Right now it feels like it. You have to screen everything. Don't give into the voyuer part of you that wants to see listen or read something that you know will make you violently dissociate and then black out. Your system literally shorts out. Then when you come to, you have no idea where you are. Are you safe? Or, will you black out again.

You try to protect yourself. Some days you literally have no noise. But even at times like that, the pain is still there. There's no place to escape. You try the usual mix of tricks to reground yourself. But at times, nothing works.

What do you do then?

All day long you fight to scream and get pain out. You can't just sit back and do nothing. At the end of the day you're totally exhausted. But you also have a sense of temporary relief. You can focus and not feel like you're under attack.

Symptoms are always there. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to fight back.

Why are other people horrible? I don't know. However I do know that you have to protect yourself. You don't want to feel burned out, cynical and turn into a total monster.

But you have to protect yourself.

Am I responsible for stopping all of the pain in the world? No I'm not. If the worst happens and Trump wins, I know it's not my fault.

Protect yourself.

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