Fighting after another dissociative relapse to not set myself up again to fall apart. It's like any addiction. Violent dissociating only makes pain worse. But for so long it was an escape/addiction to try and escape from pain. But it didn't work.
Drug addicts fight to not relapse. In my case, dissociating is like binge drinking. Protect yourself. Do something else. Sometimes this means no sleep for 2 or 3 days at a stretch. It's the severity of your trauma history beating you really hard.
You don't want to fall apart. You don't want to disappear and not know where you are.
Regardless of what the causes are behind your history, protect yourself as best you can.
I don't want to go back to even worse pain.