Thursday, July 3, 2014

What Day is It?

Sorry to be away for a while. It's been a constant battle to not dissociate or just fall apart from rampant PTSD symptoms. Violent unchecked dissociating used to be a way to survive. Add to that a horrible diet and rampant alcoholism. Now, you fight all day long not to fall apart. We rock back and forth at times to try and feel safe. Everything has to be screened. We mix lots of live stream sources at times to have something to focus on. It doesn't matter that you're not listening or watching closely. Just that it's something tangible in the space that you're in.

Do you still feel abandoned? Every day we try to reassure ourselves that we did nothing wrong. Why then do some other horrible people treat us like dirt? One reason is because not all but many of them are mentally ill. Where does that come from? We don't know. Having said that, we're not responsible for what they do or say. OR, what they don't do or don't say.

We've heard it's common for trauma survivors to take on the pWe have ain of the rest of the world. We did that for a long time. Then, you realize that no, you can't solve everything. But that's okay. Your well being comes first.

We have moments now where you feel paralyzed. You're fighting to not scream, snap, dissociate and black out. All at the same time. You literally can't move.On the other hand, if you do nothing and don't fight to keep some sense of balance, you'll fall apart.

What else can you do?

We have moments where you think, what happens if we're not around? Would anybody care? It's not that you have a death wise. It's just fighting to not feel abandoned. We're still struggling with the severity of our symptoms, It's like the day after you got raped. What are you supposed to do?

We know we did nothing wrong. If others can't understand that, that's their problem. Nobody else will look out for our well being. You don't want to feel like everybody's dangerous. Then again, you have to protect yourself.

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