A quiet night at home. NBA highlights are on, but the sound's turned down. At times you have to do that to protect yourself from triggering content. The doors are locked, and no chance of any commandoes from anywhere breaking in.
Having said that, thanks for the constantly growing support. I don't know all of you. But I do know that somebody's reading this (other than the NSA and GCHQ).
Went to the psychiatrist on Thursday, and it was quite a mix. A nice person, but bad timing with that being her last day before she takes a new job. Despite that, she gave me some helpful suggestions on how to cope until the next psychiatrist can help. One key is someone being able to deal with complex dissociative disorder.
We talked a lot about struggling with symptoms, and how to use and trust your intuition. I'm not always right. But my percentage is pretty high.
Many survivors talk about feeling like they have their pain, and the pain of the rest of the world to deal with. They feel like it's their obligation to protect all trauma survivors (regardless of the underlying cause). While it's not my place to tell others what to do, I can't do that, for many reasons.
Up to this point, I've spoken out a least six times on various radio talk shows about being a guy survivor. My feeling before doing each one was if it helps others, that's all that matters. However, for whatever reasons not all but many have the idea that because I'm a survivor, I can understand and solve all of their problems for them.
I wish I could. But I can't.
What's kept me alive? One thing is to never give up. Lots of people have talked about this in many contexts. But the idea is the same. Another reason is not giving everyone who treated you like dirt the satisfaction by offing yourself. No chance of that.
That being said, what else can you do?
We're trying really hard to not dissociate. It feels like making a million decisions every single day. Do we dissociate and vanish? Or, go the other way and see what happens?
So far so good.