Thursday, February 4, 2016

Fight to Not Fall Apart

More struggle to deal with symptoms and not black out. There are moments of clarity. But there are also moments of despair and abandonment. You don't want any noise. You just want quiet and to not feel threatened.

You also have to fight dissociating all day long. As you do, sometimes it helps also to deal with adrenalin surges. They're all still there. What else can you do.

Nightmares still happen. There's no set pattern to them. But at times it's because of mixing too many spicy foods. That in turn affects the trauma energy that's trapped in your system. All the way down to a cellular level.

One of the biggest struggles is facing how severe your trauma history has been, and continues to be. It's like non stop pain. You want at times to just sit and not be bombarded with stimulus and pain. You just want to feel safe.

I want to feel safe in my own home.

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