I've always tried to face my trauma history as best I can (without endangering myself). That being said, today's one of those severe anger days. Anger at those who laughed at me and treated me like shit. Those who couldn't be bothered to admit that I exist. Those who think I'm their worst nightmare (just for being a rape survivor).
I don't want to get a gun and kill all of them. But at times I do think about having a gun and defending myself. If not a gun, what's my weapon? I don't have to look behind me. I can sense that they're there. Everything feels heightened.
Some martial arts like karate are defensive. You counter your opponents' chi. Others like judo and tai chi use your opponents' momentum against them. Then you have Israeli haganah. In this, you strike first to kill. No hesitation. Even though the person behind me isn't physically attacking me, you can't just stand there and do nothing. You have to protect yourself.
I could get a gun and openly carry it where I live. But that would be really stupid. Every time I think about doing that, I have split second visions of killing myself.
I have moments of clarity. But then really scary emptiness. Does anybody care?