Holiday Thoughts

Hi from a long holiday weekend here in the States. If you're not in a holiday weekend, I had nothing to do with it.

This means staying away from all triggering stuff as much as possible. Do you really need to be on (insert famous site name) 15 hours a day? If you're getting paid, that's different. If not, how do you balance everything?

In my case, not having a personal assistant, you have to just prioritize. What do I want to do right now? Building up income streams is high on the list. Who doesn't need extra money these days?

As that happens, I'm also dealing with more doctor and therapist appointments. I'm still job hunting and trying for schedules that will leave days open. That way you don't have to fight bosses for time off.

How are your symptoms these days? Do you still have nightmares, body pain and more? My system is still shot from a long period of abuse from others and myself (thru diet, alcoholism and other stuff). Now, I stay away from the destructive dissociative things as much as possible. Instead of helping to relieve pain, it just makes it worse.

Why do so many others try to beat trauma survivors down? Why do they do and say cruel things with no apparent comprehension? I don't know. However, I do know that just like the rest of us, they have to deal with the consequences of that.

I'm not saying 24/7 perfectionism. I'm saying a positive balance that lets you protect yourself as well. I still have bad days where feelings of abandonment almost paralyze you. Can I believe anybody when they say they care about me? If that's true, then why the next minute do you treat me like s**t?

Am I the only one that sees this hypocracy and abuse from others? Am I the only one who's not severly delusional?

I do know that I'm not responsible for other peoples' mental health. I'm not going to beg you to go to therapy or do anything. Also, I won't just sit back and not protect myself. Just because you're related to someone abusive, are you supposed to sit like a battered wife and let your abusive husband beat the s**t out of you?

I can protect myself and not sink down to someone else's disfunctional level. I have to because nobody else will do it for me.

I'm not on call 24/7 like Obama. Besides, would I really want that unrelenting pressure? Right now, no. Certainly not for $400,000 a year.

Despite still having all the usual PTSD symptoms, I keep reminding myself that it's not my fault. I did nothing wrong. Also, as horrible as this is at times, I'm not "abnormal" in any way.

Have a good day.