A lot in done in stages today. I finished with my latest counselor, who gave me lots of helpful ideas and a referral to a second low income health center. The idea being, draw on as many sources as possible. Then make informed choices.
That being said, there are some days where there's lots of horrible pain. My now former counselor says that one part of this is that you can't avoid that. Considering how severe your symptoms have been (and for how long they were untreated), this isn't strange in any way.
I still fight to not dissociate. For a long time I used lots of other way to escape (drugs, hookers, soft core porn, etc.). Finally I reached a point and said I can't live like this anymore. Which means you go from having a sex partner anytime you want who will do anything you want to not having anyone there. You realize that it's an empty bed. There's nobody there. No matter what you do, it's just you. You could say that's growth in one sense. It's also terrifying in another in almost feeling abandoned.
As I said, when these decisions come up (dissociate and disappear, or go the other way), I choose to go the other way. Lately, this has meant almost no sleep for the past 4 or 5 nights. You try and cope as best you can by just resting and trying to focus your energy so you finally feel like you can move.
But also, I like real things with real people. Not just some screen image.
Dissociating at times is really painful. You feel like you can't focus. It's almost like holding onto something and fighting to not black out.
Despite all that, I know I did nothing wrong. None of this is weird. If it doesn't come out in a good way, it will come out in bad ways. Now though, my health comes first.