Sorry to have been away for a while. It's been a rough almost two weeks. Time now to catch up. First though, thanks for the comments and support. As a favor to me, please pass this blog's URL onto anyone you feel that it will help. However, your personal security comes first.
There's always a lot of talk in 12-step programs about reaching a "brick wall". A "moment of ______". The point in my case is that last week I finally reached a point where I said, I give up. Not in the sense of screw the world, I'm killing myself. Instead, I can't deal with symptoms, holding down jobs, looking cool and calm on the outside when on the inside I'm trying not to black out or attack anyone.
I need help.
The next step was lots of calls and instant messages to various people in the immediate family and lots of mental health sources. I almost checked myself into a psych ward. Then, I thought about the first time I did that. I thought I was suicidal, but then after I was inside I realized that I wasn't. It took me about three days to literally fight my way out. Then, I got no support whatsoever. While I'm not a lifelong grudge kind of person, being a normal human being, that's a terrifying experience which I never want to do ever again. UNLESS my life is threatened.
The good news? At 7:34 p.m. CST as I write this, no chance of offing myself.
Now, I've made arrangements (the details of which will remain private) to be able to keep my current benefits and not work. Instead, my job now is my health. It means a psychiatric evaluation coming soon, along with other appointments.
Unless my life depends on it, my first choice is to not go into a psych ward or on medication. Medication in the past was a band aid. It didn't help the underlying problems. So why go back on it?
Now, dissociating and adrenalin surges are two of the biggest problems. I literally have to take tiny steps and focus to not lose sensation in different parts of my body. In some crowded places I have to fight to focus when part of me screams THREAT!, and I instantly look for my weapon.
At times during the day I feel like pressure is closing in on me. Despair and abandonment still happen. You turn things off, sit or go for a walk. No noise, no being bombarded by stimulus. You just want peace.
If I go into what seems like a non-threatening place among people that I know, I still feel threatened. I still dissociate and have trouble focusing.
You try the usual grounding techniques. Yet, many times they don't work.
Now what do you do?
Many times you feel exhausted and just want to protect yourself. I'm really trying to pace myself. You don't have to do 50 things in the next 3 hours.
I know it's not my fault. None of this is abnormal in any way. I didn't ask for any of this.
I just want some things. A sense of validation. Relief from endless pain.
You can't make others understand about trauma. On the other hand, you can and must protect yourself as reasonably as possible. Not perfectionism, but a healthy balance.
I'm setting boundaries and screening everything. Why? Because threats seem to be everywhere.
Thanks for the support. Again, please spread this blog everywhere you can, UNLESS it might endanger you or someone else.