Something Else?

Fighting symptoms all day and trying to not black out. It's like permanent exhaustion. Do I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) as well? Not sure.

Trying to Cope With the Ups and Downs

It must be Tuesday. Lots of bases to cover as the next therapy appointment is next week. In the meantime, more job hunting and protecting yourself as best you can. Not perfectionism, but a balance.

What's the hardest thing to deal with in symptoms right now? One would be not giving into violently dissociating. In the past, you could dissociate and disappear for hours at a time and not know where you are. Just like doing a drug, it helps you in a sense to escape pain and feel "normal". Now, deal with that about 200 times a day. What do you do? Do you give in? Or, do you say I'll go the other way? It's really exhausting, but I don't want to fall apart and have to fight your way out of that and old dissociating rituals.

As your system is cleaner and you're more aware, use that to your advantage. In job networking, I'm really paying attention to what's said, and how it's said. Is my timing okay, or do I come back later? How do you get past "please check out website and now go away"?

I can't control what other horrible people do and say. On the other hand, I will set boundaries and protect myself. Despair and crippling feelings of abandonment are there as well. Despite that, it's not my fault. I'm telling the truth, and that's all that matters.

Trying Not to Feel Overwhelmed

Tomorrow, it's the first appointment with the new therapist. In the meantime, lots of bases to cover and trying to keep a sense of focus.

I still don't know who the third psycho pedophile was who serially raped me. Despite that and all the horrible stuff that continues to happen, I'm telling the truth. Another aspect of this is massive denial in the "immediate family". It's like others know that there's a problem, but NOBODY will dare say that publically.

Your father is a bully who uses money as a weapon to try and intimidate and control people. Your mother thinks that being raped by a pedophile is "normal sexual experimentation".

Are these people mentally ill, sociopaths, or something else?

You can be in massive denial and try to manipulate all you want. That doesn't change the FACT that I was raped by three pedophiles, and nobody did anything about it. Now, you have to live with it. Not me.

Maintaining Your Balance

It's Tuesday, and lots of bases to cover. I still have all the usual PTSD symptoms, and much of the time feel really run down.

What helps to try and cope? Screen everything, and then trust your intuition. I'm not always right. But much of the time I am. I also try to keep in mind that all of this is a survival mechanism. I'm not weird, insane or in danger of snapping and attacking everyone I see. I do feel though at times like I'm this close to blacking out as flashbacks happen and you try to not scream and then feel like you're disappearing.

Always have as many options as possible.

Cover Your Bases

Fighting to keep a sense of focus. Pay attention to how you feel and protect yourself. Screen everything.

Trust your intuition that you're doing the right things. Because right now, staying focused (or trying to) is at times scary and exhausting. Then again, it's all a survival mechanism.

One Way to Cope

It's a  long weekend of fighting to not dissociate and black out. Much of the past two days has been just lying down and resting. You feel like you have literally no energy at all, but you can't let up for a second. If you do, you feel like you have no control.

In a few days I go to my psychiatrist appt. Like any normal person who's a trauma survivor, I want to be in the best place overall to get the treatment that I know that I need. I don't know what treatment is like in many other countries. However, here (for whatever reasons), many either don't want to hear about guy rape survivors or just don't take you seriously. It's the old "he's making this up to smear somebody" mentality.

I just set that aside and keep going. Also, have as many options as possible. If one place doesn't work, go elsewhere. If it means moving to get the proper treatment, how do I do that and pay for it?

Not all but many doctors and therapists here (in the "greatest medical system in the world") want nothing to do with health coverage or sliding scale fees. Many employers want to move people down to part-time from full-time because they hate Obama and "Obamacare". Generally, holistic treatments are twice as expensive as traditional ones.

Since I don't want bullies who use money as a weapon to control people to have power over myself and my treatment, how do I pay for this? I'm trying to come up with a low stress home business/job that will let me cover all my expenses.

I can't get any victim compensation because the statute of limitations in my case have run out. You have to prove to prosecutors that it's not a waste of their time to go after the possibly one remaining pedophile who might be alive.

I'm trying to space out more medical tests and other expenses while at the same time not feeling like I can't do anything else. At the moment, I'm living on practically no money.

I feel like all of my symptoms and backed up trauma is flooding out all at once. All of the junk food and other triggering stuff that I used to do is also catching up with me?

How long does it take to heal from all of this? I have no idea.

When dissociating is violent, I don't know where I am. Even if you ground yourself, many times that doesn't work.

What do you do then?

All of this is a normal survival response.

Don't Let Up

More focusing today on not blacking out from dissociating. We still set boundaries and have to make some changes to protect ourselves. It still feels like non-stop fighting all day long, and do everything else that you have to do.

As for other things like despair and abandonment, those are still there. The appt. with the psychiatrist is next week. I'm just trying to have as many options as possible to get the treatment that I need. Also, to have control over it (and not somebody else).

Why are the hallucinations and other problems still there as you try to detoxify your system? I'm not sure.

Herbal Tea and Other Thoughts

Another day of anger, screening, and fighting to not black out. Also, protect yourself at all costs. Unless you have to look at it, ask yourself: do I really need to see/read/hear this? If not, do something else.

There's lots of emptiness at times. Then again, what else can you do but keep going?

Diet plays a key role in trying to cope with symptoms. I can't touch some formerly favorite foods. Way too triggering, and I don't want to dissociate for a week trying to get my balance back. I'm also focusing to not fall back into old destructive dissociating patterns.

Am I a professional patient? No. Do I torture myself because my symptoms have been (and continue to be in many ways) severe? I try not to. Then again, there are many periods that are too painful to think about.

Time for some tea.

Read Between the Lines

How's your part of the world? Thanks for the ongoing support. For any new readers, the purpose here is to present information and helpful ideas that might help you as well. If you know of something better, please let us know.

What's your mantra that helps you to cope? For me, it's probably it's not my fault. We have our bad days with depression and abandonment. You try to focus and not black out from dissociating. You try to not have adrenalin surges and feel like you have a smooth chi flow thru your body.

Even with doing all of that, it feels like I have about six addictions that I'm fighting all the time. Many formerly favorite foods are too triggering. Now what do I do? You focus really hard all day long to not dissociate.

Do that and everything else you have to do. Then, try not to feel wiped out.

Flashbacks and other symptoms are violent and scary. However, it's not abnormal in any way. Did being raped totally mess up my biochemistry? I'm not sure. I'm just working on trying to keep a healthy balance (not perfectionism) as I go.

Can you make others understand about trauma? No. On the other hand, you can and should protect yourself. Because nobody else will do it for you.

In my experience, while cultures may be different, human beings remain the same. This means lots of commonalities (taxes, hating politicians, concern about your kids, and more). It also means that saying no really does mean no to prevent rape. In some cultures, people may say no in a very general way. The point though is that the message gets through.

Pay attention to indirectness, and see what happens.

Not Perfection. Just Balance.

I'm finally starting to catch up on my sleep. Before this, hadn't slept for almost two days. I went to my first doctor's appointment, and in some ways it wasn't surprising. The doctor means well, but has no PTSD training whatsoever Why then am I here? Keep going with getting treatment. But from now on, go somewhere else.

Now, it's focus on holistic healing. Unintentionally, part of the problem in my case has ben poisoning my system with lots of junk food to escape pain which only made it worse. Now, it's time to detoxify overall. Can you do this and still have fun with actual enjoyable foods? Yes, you can. It's a challenge. However, it's not that expensive to do.

The pain of untreated trauma still hits really hard and is rough to deal with. You know it's not your fault. Yet, you feel like you're getting hit with a billion flashbacks all at once. You also have normal concerns:

Do I have to cure myself?
Does anybody want to admit that I exist?
Does a long time with no reassurance damage you psychologically?

Like anyone, you want reassurance and relief from pain. You can't make people understand about trauma. You can't make them admit that you exist. It would be human decency on their part. Then again, am I their psychiatrist? No, I'm not.

Protect yourself as you go along. Pay attention to the effects of things on you. Do you really need to do this? If not, what's a better alternative? The healthier you are, the sharper your intuition. My percentage isn't 100%. But it has gotten better.

Exhaustion

Staying in for a while and just concentrating on writing. Not much sleep now for the past week. It's more nightmares, and then you can't go back to sleep around 3 a.m. You eat some breakfast and try to just focus your energy until you feel like you can finally get up. Do we give in and have tons of sugar and caffeine? We're really trying hard to not to.

Dissociating is still exhausting to deal with. You know you're on the right track, and you don't want to fall apart. Then, at the end of the day you feel like you can barely move. My now former counselor had a good point. Unfortunately, severe pain can't be avoided in this case. You didn't face it for a long time, and that's nobody's fault. Now though, it either comes out in a good way, or a bad way.

Pay attention to the effects of things on you. Do you really need all of the sugar and caffeine? Instead, try something else. That doesn't mean never have fun. Just pay attention to how stuff affects you.

Sadness and a feeling of abandonment are still there. However, I did nothing wrong.

One View of Dissociating

Everybody has a different story about trauma. Nobody heals at the same rates, or has the same history to deal with. But the struggle affects everyone.

In my case, dissociating is one of the hardest things to handle. There's mild dissociating (daydreaming), and then there's violent dissociating. Then, you don't know where you are and fight to not black out.

You black out have no idea what your multiple personalities are doing or saying. Then, you wake up and don't know what happened. How do you apologize for that?

When I open my eyes in the morning, many times it's on four hours or less sleep. You try to focus your energy to be able to literally shock yourself awake. If you don't, you feel like you're in parallel universes all day long.

Now imagine doing that every day for a really long time.

On bad days, it almost feels like you have no control over it. It's a barrier that you have to get past. Otherwise, you have no idea of where you are.

Are meds the answer? In my opinion, no. Why? Because they're a band aid and don't help the problem. Is this because of something that one of my multiples or little kid hasn't been able to talk about? I don't know.

The point is it's there. Go to a job interview and fight to not cry or black out.

We know it's not our fault. As terrifying as this is at times, it's not abnormal in any way. Exhausting yes. Also, a normal response in trying to cope with and heal from horribly severe and untreated PTSD symptoms.

What helps you to keep your focus?

It's a Mix of Stuff

Hi. Sorry to be away for a while. It's been a really rough week. Everything from job interviews to not getting any sleep at night from anger and other symptoms coming out. Now, let's catch up.

We try to keep in mind that we have no control over what others say and do. Odds are that Obama won't call back, even if we did get the Oval Office number. It also amazes me how cruel
various people can be without apparently any comprehension or sign of empathy whatsoever.

Despite all that, what helps frankly not just give in and off yourself?

First, despite all the terror of symptoms, abandonment and what others do and say, I know (and my multiples and little kid also know) that it's not our fault. We didn't ask to be raped. We didn't ask to be humiliated and laughed at while we're in horrible pain. Maybe that's one of the hardest things
to deal with in our healing. How anybody could be capable of that.

We've literally had to fight every single day since we got raped to survive. 99% of the world couldn't be bothered to listen or to take us seriously. It's like being attacked every single day. Nobody's going to listen or care.

How then do you survive?

One answer? Nobody forces others who for whatever reasons decide to do and say cruel things. They choose to do it. Which means that like everybody else, they're responsible for what they do and say. It's not my job to be their therapist and fix this for them. They have to live with the consequences.

On really bad days, we just turn things off and cry all day long. You feel like an empty shell and go thru the day doing various things. If someone asks usual things (how are you, did you find everything you need and more), you smile and respond with the usual responses to get out of there. It's not the normal ups and downs that we all deal with. It's endless despair. You wake up in the morning, and everything feels black. You try to focus and then sit. Everything still feels black.

What do you do then?

Many times we just rock back and forth. My multiples and little kid like that, and not always but many times it helps. Why? Because since we've been raped, we've only had ONE person actually give us a non-threatening reassuring hug and actually mean it when they said I'm sorry you were raped.

If that's only happened once in your entire life, what kind of effect does that have on you? You could say everybody's different. Therefore there's no way to really answer that. While everyone is different, from a survivor's perspective that's dodging the question.

What then does help? Maybe just breaking things down into small segments. How do I get thru the next ten seconds without blacking out? How do I cope with horrible feelings of abandonment? Like literally no one can be bothered to admit that you exist.

How would you cope with that?

Anyway, again sorry to be away for a while. I'll try to keep up here as regularly as I can. Any complaints about this, please blame (a) the economy, (b) politicians. Or (c) both a and b.

Can You Do This?

It's an interesting mix. I'm following some non-triggering stuff online as I write. Normally I'd be eating the usual 2 lb. bag of Doritos and drinking 2 liters of Pepsi. Which would mean no sleep for about the next two days. However, right now no caffeine or refined sugar. Instead, be aware of the effects of it.

Another long day of endlessly fighting dissociating. Despair is still there, and at times feeling abandoned. You literally feel like there's nowhere to turn. You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. What do you do?

We've tried to protect ourselves as much as possible. Unintentionally I ignored my multiple personalities and little kid. Eventually though we learned to trust each other, and now we value that. If I have to change something, I never talk down to them. Instead, I always explain what's happening and why it's necessary. It's my job to protect us. Nobody else will.

Howver, on bad days you don't have an explanation. How come nobody will admit that we exist? I'm not sure. It feels like everything is triggering. Is everything and everyone a threat? Your fight-or-flight mechanism is stuck, and you feel like you're going to snap from anger not being able to get out.

Now, do this and everything else you have to do every day. Look cool and calm on the outside, while on the inside you're this close to attacking anyone who gets in your way.

You don't want to get a gun. You don't want to do time for murder or assault. Yet, the anger is there.

Can you literally trust anybody?

An Early Happy 2013

How was your Xmas break? Here, we tried to stay warm and focused. Despite that, it's still been hard to not dissociate or feel totally abandoned.

It's already 2013. Where? First up in the world is the Chatham Islands (sw of New Zealand). Next up roughly speaking is the Sydney Harbor fireworks. Wherever you are in the world, have an excellent time.

Also, thanks for the global support. Everything here is free, and I only ask for one thing. Pass this onto everywhere you can unless it endangers you or someone else.

A Xmas Mix

Merry Xmas to our global audience. Satying in tonight due to the Artic blast outside. Lots of snacks and herbal tea to keep me warm.

On the other hand, it's really exhausting right now. Flashbacks and dissociating are still violent. You have to fight really hard to have some sense of where you are. It's like getting bombarded with one after another. You scream and fight to not black out, because you have no other choice. This also means protecting yourself at all costs. You have no control over others. However, you can decide to protect yourself.

I try at times to just take a somatic approach. Turn everything off and pay attention to how you feel. Even by doing that, you still feel like one wrong move and everything could fall apart. This also means that yes, this has been that severe and untreated for a long time.

I don't want to live like I'm an empty shell.

Borderline Road Rage

A really scary day with lots of anger and trying not to dissociate or black out while driving. I felt this close to attacking everyone who got in my way. Another scary part is feeling like NO ONE will help you. How do you cope with that?

We know anger, frustration and more are there and have to be dealt with. Now, try and do that AND everything else you have to do.

Day 3 of the Diet

Staying in and staying warm tonight. Some nice herbal tea and a tiny amount of peanut butter.

Why tiny? Because we're still sticking to the holistic diet. Which means the tiniest amounts have big effects on our system. We found a website that basically says that for a long time our acidic diet literally poisoned our system. Now, it's detoxifying and trying to regain balance.

Makes sense.

This also means that everything else is flooding out. In between some moments of clarity there's still body pain and other symptoms. It's like you don't know where you are. Then for a split second you do. Then, you feel lost again.

Now, imagine going thru that for years with no sense of relief.

NOBODY told me about any of this. Nobody ever asked, were you raped? Is there a history of sex abuse here? You feel at times like, do I have to cure myself?

Adrenalin surges still happen. You feel at times like you're losing sensation in different parts of your body. This means that many times lots of massage can help to bring feeling back. There's also a history of other medical problems.

I feel that it's all connected.

You scream. You fight to survive and not black out. Along with that, you're eating and drinking tons of junk food. Naturally that only makes the pressure worse.

Now, do that for a really long time and fight to not lose hope that maybe somebody will care.

You have to fight to survive. Can you trust anybody? Will anybody listen? Or, will everybody treat you like s**t? What kind of toll does that take on you?

We just want some sense of balance.