Merry Xmas to our global audience. Satying in tonight due to the Artic blast outside. Lots of snacks and herbal tea to keep me warm.
On the other hand, it's really exhausting right now. Flashbacks and dissociating are still violent. You have to fight really hard to have some sense of where you are. It's like getting bombarded with one after another. You scream and fight to not black out, because you have no other choice. This also means protecting yourself at all costs. You have no control over others. However, you can decide to protect yourself.
I try at times to just take a somatic approach. Turn everything off and pay attention to how you feel. Even by doing that, you still feel like one wrong move and everything could fall apart. This also means that yes, this has been that severe and untreated for a long time.
I don't want to live like I'm an empty shell.