Monday, January 7, 2013

Can You Do This?

It's an interesting mix. I'm following some non-triggering stuff online as I write. Normally I'd be eating the usual 2 lb. bag of Doritos and drinking 2 liters of Pepsi. Which would mean no sleep for about the next two days. However, right now no caffeine or refined sugar. Instead, be aware of the effects of it.

Another long day of endlessly fighting dissociating. Despair is still there, and at times feeling abandoned. You literally feel like there's nowhere to turn. You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. What do you do?

We've tried to protect ourselves as much as possible. Unintentionally I ignored my multiple personalities and little kid. Eventually though we learned to trust each other, and now we value that. If I have to change something, I never talk down to them. Instead, I always explain what's happening and why it's necessary. It's my job to protect us. Nobody else will.

Howver, on bad days you don't have an explanation. How come nobody will admit that we exist? I'm not sure. It feels like everything is triggering. Is everything and everyone a threat? Your fight-or-flight mechanism is stuck, and you feel like you're going to snap from anger not being able to get out.

Now, do this and everything else you have to do every day. Look cool and calm on the outside, while on the inside you're this close to attacking anyone who gets in your way.

You don't want to get a gun. You don't want to do time for murder or assault. Yet, the anger is there.

Can you literally trust anybody?

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