Sunday, January 13, 2013

Let's Focus

Hi. Sorry to be away for a while. The past week's been really long and hectic. 5 job interviews and struggling to balance that with symptoms. How do you focus and not cry in the middle of a job interview?

It seems like triggering stuff is everywhere. Can you trust anybody or anything? Much of the time I feel like I'm about six steps ahead of everybody else. Am I the only person that sees that this isn't normal? Am I the only one that sees that this needs to stop? Yet, it goes on because that's how the "real world" works?

Not always, but at times despair and feeling abandoned are there. You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. Despite that, it feels like all the pain and frustration of being a rape survivor is hitting all at once. How do you not feel abandoned? How do you fight back so it doesn't feel like everyone who laughed at you and treated you like dirt is trying to beat you down so you'll just shut up? You didn't ask for this. But that doesn't matter?

Body pain and violent dissociating still happen. You go out, drive somewhere and feel like you're in downtown Kabul. Is everything and everyone a threat? Is the person walking in front of you carrying a semi-automatic and will kill you? Is the person next to you a psycho rapist that will go down on you, cut your throat, rape you and then laugh about it? Will anybody listen to you or help you? What do you do when you feel like nobody will listen?

When you try to ground yourself and you can't, what does that do to your system? How are you supposed to function when your feel totally wiped out all the time?

Meditation and other things can help in different combinations. Then again, what happens when they don't? The fear and despair is there. If everyone says just shut the f**k up and go away, what do you do then?

You can't control what others do and say. On the other hand, being a normal human being with emotions, you're not a light switch. Just turn all of this off and it magically goes away?

How do you cope when you literally can't move? Either because you're exhausted from trying not to black out. Or, from despair?

I could go around the corner to a liquor store and get almost anything I want. What good would that do?

Protect yourself as best you can. If something feels bad, it probably is. Therefore, trust that and do something else.

I know I'm not "weird" in any way. I'm not psycotic, deranged and I don't have any type of disability. I just want to be able to have some sense of balance and not feel under attack all the time.

Now, how do you do that when it feels like 99% of the world just doesn't care?

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