Saturday, February 2, 2008

When Can You Get a Break from All This?

NOTE: This blog contains graphic language, content and "triggers" (sights, sounds, colors, descriptions, etc.) that could be disturbing and/or dangerous to PTSD survivors. If these bother you, go elsewhere. Otherwise, keep going and please pass this blog onto anyone who could benefit from it.

Just when you think you'd get a break from symptoms, you're wrong. More hyper and hypo arousal today. It took a few hours to focus and actually feel "awake." Got hammered by horrible dissociating and hallucinations. I know that's not there. So why can't I shake this and move on? Why do I literally have to focus and feel like I'm going to collapse before I can get past this? Other people can do this in a second. It takes me three hours.

What comes after that? More dissociating and physical flashbacks. No, I don't want to get f****d in the ass again by that sick m****rf****r that did this. He's not there. So why do I have to literally fight to keep his dick out of my ass? He's NOT f*****g there! So why do I have those flashbacks? I have better things to do with my time than this s**t. When will I get a break? I scream, fight back and feel like I'm going to fall apart. I WON'T just lay back and fall apart. I WILL NOT give into those nightmares of being a sick f*****g toy for this asshole. If I do that it's all over. I will ever give into that s**t.

Now imagine you do this 24/7. Just when you think you might actually have one good day with no symptoms at all, it all comes crashing down on you. My therapist says that it's either deal with this in the best way you can. Or, go the "traditional" route of pure cognitive (talk) therapy and meds that every other therapist in the freaking world does. They didn't give a f**k when I went cold turkey. Nobody listened to me so I said, screw you. I'll do it myself. The holistic doctors in this area are s**t. Incredibly expensive, can't be bothered with health insurance (naturally). So where else do you go? I literally have to do it all myself. Or possibly go out of state earlier than I thought. Here in the land of "the greatest health care system in the world."

Am I going to snap and kill somebody? Right now I don't know.

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