Friday, February 1, 2008

Everything Is On Edge

NOTE: This blog contains graphic content, language and "triggers" which may be upsetting or dangerous to PTSD survivors (sights, sounds, key words, phrases, etc.). If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, continue and please pass this blog onto anyone else that you think might benefit from it.

Had another horrible nightmare last night. Jumped up out of bed around 2 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. I tried eating something, but that didn't help. Later, I went back to sleep for a while and had another nightmare. Then today everything is on edge. I feel like I'm going to snap and kill the first person who gets too close. Dissociating still hits hard and it's confusing because I think, what's the message? What are my multiples and little kid trying to tell me? I went to therapy yesterday and almost destroyed his office. Everybody's a f*****g hypocrite. I'll kill every one of you. I told my therapist I feel like an orphan and POW, and he agrees.

I go somewhere and it feels like downtown Baghdad. Why is he looking at me? What's she really saying? She's smiling, but what does she really want? It feels like there's more hypocracy everywhere. The battle lines between the haves and the have nots are drawn. And now with the election coming up every racist f****d up thing imaginable will be done to win. The standard reply to objections to this? This is how it's done. If you don't like it, go somewhere else.

Sometimes the dissociating and flashbacks hit and I feel like I'm going to snap. But the rest of the world can't be bothered. Everything is in extremes. If dissociating or other symptoms hit you have to fight back really hard. Otherwise you literally feel like you're going to fall apart. Much of the time I feel like I'm on the edge of dying. Nobody's out to kill me today (as far as I know). But still, many times that feeling is really hard to shake. The worst hopelessness you can imagine that never lets up. My therapist keeps saying that this is common. The bad news? Some people have this for years. Will that happen to me?

I'm really fighting hard to stay in the pocket. If I get off-balance it's like living in parallel realities. You look cool and calm on the outside. On the inside you're screaming and you're going to snap. I don't want to live like that anymore. But sometimes I don't know what to do.

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