Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Everything Feels Black

NOTe: This blog contains extreme content, language and "triggers" (sights, sounds, phrases and more) than can be very upsetting/dangerous to PTSD survivors. If this bothers you, stop reading now. If not, keep going. And please pass this blog onto anybody else it might help. Thanks.

Got up today and more of the usual symptoms. But also, a need to face everything head on. We feel like we have. But especially today it was time to do more.

So I went to therapy and we did a marathon EMDR session. In 10 months of therapy it was the hardest one we've ever done (we being myself, my multiples and little kid). My therapist had to pin me down so we didn't smash his EMDR machine and office. Murderous rage in wanting to get every person who ever treated us like s**t. We didn't ask to be raped and go thru this hell. We'll kill every m****rf*****g one of you assholes! 35 years of nobody listening and nobody caring. A little kid who gets raped more than once asks for help. And nobody can be bothered to listen or actually care. You get endlessly bombarded with abuse. Sex abuse, physical, mental and verbal all at once. You turn for help but nobody cares. You don't exist. You're "handicapped", nothing, pathetic, too f*****g sensitive and a f*****g mess. If it wasn't for me your sorry ass would have been dead a long time ago. Shut the f**k up. You're inacapable of existing on your own. Just shut up and do what the hell I say. Nobody gives a s**t about what you think, feel or say.

Now, how does a little kid surive this? Everywhere they turn it only gets worse. The little kid thinks, is the whole world like this? If nobody cares, then what do I do? Where do I go? If I go somewhere else, will they care? Or is everybody in the whole world like this? All your symptoms, rituals and other things connected with trauma continue to get worse. Also, alcoholism and other drug addicitons. Everywhere you go, it's endless God complexes and "therapists" who say the same thing. Nobody cares.

Finally we say, f*****g enough. We get off all drugs and finally find the right therapist. And now what? We've never had a family. How are orphans supposed to act? What do we do or say? Where do we go? We see little kids with their mom/dad. And they look happy. And we think, how come we can't have that? What did we do that somebody said, not for you. You don't deserve that. So instead, it's going to be endless hell for you. Nobody can be bothered to listen. What if we died tomorrow? Would anybody care? You never have. So how do we know you'd care then? Or would you say thank God that pathetic s**t's over.

We don't know what to think.

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