Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Night thoughts for you

NOTE: This blog contains graphic content, language and "triggers"(words, sounds and more) that can be upsetting to PTSD survivors. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for checking us out.

How's your week going? Hillary won in New Hampshire, or did she? There's talk that there was vote tampering (along with everything else going on). How will it end? Personally I'm staying away from all MSM (mainstream medai) as much as possible. You object to one of their neocon guests or content and they censor you. Ok, I'll stop watching.

I still have the usual PTSD symptoms. Hyper arousal and adrenalin surges are still happening at the worst times. Also, the backed up trauma is paralyzing at times. One minute you think you're ok. Then you curl up in the corner and literally can't move. I'll see my therapist tomorrow. He says it's more horrible trauma finally coming out.

Sometimes I wonder, will I snap? I'm in a crowded place and then what? Everything is dangerous. Every sight, every sound and every comment. What do they really mean by that? Is he going to kill me? What do I do? I'm always running thru ways to stop people like that. Out of nowhere flashbacks happen and what do you do then? Sometimes I don't know where I am. I really have to focus and fight hard to not dissociate and just fall apart. Imagine having to do that every single day.

I know I'm not the only one dealing with this. But with the election coming up I hear the candidates (except Richardson who dropped out today) say PTSD is a mental illness. Oh really? I know lots of therapists who disagree with that. Some even think that PTSD is fake. How then do you think that survivors feel? It's like being shot at or raped all over again. Then, part of it is the old pull-yourself-up bit. Do you see me bitching all the time about my problems? Of course not. So why the hell do I have to listen to your s**t all the time? Get it together. Stop being a victim. I never f*****g asked to be a victim. It amazes me that so many people will say this to you with a straight face. It's your fault so you fix it. I asked to be raped by a psycho gay pedophile a*****e? And the other part of that? They don't care. Your thoughts, feelings and concerns don't matter. Then why am I wasting my time talking to you?

Sometimes I'm tempted to confront one of the candidates and press them on dealing with PTSD in a realistic way. But what good would that do? Right now, outing myself is the last thing I need. So instead I'll work from behind the scenes.

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