Friday, January 11, 2008

Imagine Everything Magnified X1,000

NOTE: This blog contains graphic language, content and "triggers" (words, phrases etc.) that can be upsetting to PTSD survivors. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep reading and I hope this is helpful.

Finally Friday. I thought about going out for a while. But instead I'll stay in and kick back online for a while.

I went to therapy yesterday and we talked about how extreme my symptoms are right now. It feels like I got back from Iraq. Everything is magnified to the nth degree. Every sight, sound, color, noise are all dangerous. I see someone behind me and instantly think, how do I stop them? It's like my intuition is aware of everything around me. If there are others it's who do I get first? Odds are they won't all jump me at once. But I still feel on guard. If somebody says something to me, what do they really mean? I hear words but my intuition is reading between the lines. And sometimes I think to myself, why are you wasting my time? You don't give a s**t about me. You only want to borrow $200.

Triggers are everywhere. So these days I rarely listen to any music or watch any TV. Neocon mainstream TV is a waste of time. Everything is the same and it's all lies. I hear words being said. But the indirect message is we don't give a f**k about you. We can do and say anything we want. If you don't like it, turn it off or cancel your subscription. So I did. I find I get more accurate news from abroad then here in the States.

When dissociating or adrenalin surges hit, I feel like I'm going to snap. There's a lot of rage and I wonder sometimes why I don't just go off and attack everybody I see. At times I feel like I'm losing strength and tactile sensation in different parts of my body. I wake up in the morning and literally have to fight to actually feel my body. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll open my eyes and not have any sensation from the neck down. Do I have MS or some other problem plus the PTSD? My therapist agrees that it's more backed up horrible trauma coming out. The bad part about PTSD is that trauma coming out can and usually is misdiagnosed in many ways. Not all but many therapist don't think that PTSD is real. It's fake and they can't be bothered to deal with it.

Most of the candidates are still using it as a political football. PTSD survivors are not just numbers in some govt. study that can spun in any way you see fit to get you elected. These are real people that didn't ask to be shot at, raped, assaulted or whatever. Edwards says he's for comprehensive treatment for returning vets and others with PTSD. But it's interesting that aside from vets (who obviously need help), anybody else with PTSD is off-limits. Is it because it'll cost you the election? Or it because people just can't be bothered in dealing with this? It's the old we just don't talk about this stuff. But in this case on a national level. Does he realize that his wife while dealing with cancer could also be suffering from PTSD as well? Patients who are dealing with serious illnesses or who are in remission can and do have PTSD symptoms.

Aside from therapy and here, I never talk about PTSD, symptoms or anything else unless I see some benefit in doing it. One reason is because unfortunately there's massive denial right now in the States. Name any subject from 9/11 to Iraq and more. If the average person thinks that they're basically doing all right, they refuse to see anything beyond that. What if they woke up one day and all of their worst fears had come true? 9/11 was an inside job. The U.S. and Israel have been conducting terrorist attacks in Iran for at least a year to de-stabilize that government. In the 1930's, millions of Mexicans and Mexican/American citizens were forcibly deported to Mexico. In almost 80 years this is never talked about in schools or in public. I heard about it in Canada. How come none of the candidates talk about this? Because that will cost them the election. It could put a human face on illegal immigration (instead of fanning racism). But money and power come first, and the truth is second.

And for many PTSD survivors this feeling of it's your fault so you fix it is still there. You get assualted, attacked or some trauma happens to you. You ask for help and what's the constant message? It's your fault so you fix it. You're not entitled to have any feelings, thoughts or concerns that all trauma survivors have. Weakness is not tolerated. Don't expect any sympathy from us because you won't get it. I don't bitch all the time about my problems. So why the hell should I waste my time listening to your stupid s**t? What's a survivor supposed to do? It's like getting assaulted all over again.

It's sad that this every person for themselves attitude is growing so quickly. But more and more, here in the States the gap between the haves and the have nots grows bigger and bigger. And it's like if you're stupid enough to get raped then just f**k off. Nobody cares.

How do you cope with this?

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