NOTE: This blog contains graphic content, language and "triggers" (sights, sounds, phrases, etc.) that can be disturbing to PTSD survivors. If this bothers you, go elsewhere. If not, thanks for reading. And please pass this blog onto anyone that you think might benefit from it.
Triggers are a big pain today. I try to be nice to my body (eat right, more sleep?, stay off junk food and more). But even with all that I still get hit with the usual symptoms. Went out to lunch today and I thought I was going to snap. Triggers were everywhere and I had to hide in the bathroom till I could focus again. Now, there's no noise. The slightest sight, sound, phrase or something else leads to a whole chain that takes forever to stop. My therapist says it's your mind/body re-learning how to act without dissociating. But everything still feels more extreme. How long does this go on? Nobody knows. Anther person suggested that maybe I should switch therapists. I told her right now there's no one else to go to. In this location with a large population (over 1 million), there's only one therapist with proper PTSD training. For now, I'll continue with my current one until it's time to stop.
Overall it seems like there's a growing trend of not dealing with reality. Here in the States, in Europe and elsewhere, it seems like there's a percentage of the population that blindly follows any authority figure. They have their nice comfortable world and say, things basically are ok. So why should I risk it? The authority figure tells them something over and over. And eventually these people believe it. What does the authority figure (insert name here) do to accomplish this? Exploit people's fears. Unemployment, illegal immigration, name an issue and they'll go for it. Why do they go for it? To maintain their money and power. If you're in control and you see a threat to said money and power, you'll crush it. Example, Dennis Kucinich. Now, some people in his district say it's one of the worst in Ohio. I don't know if that's true. But I do know that he and Mike Gravel were silenced by the neocon corporate media for telling the truth. Everybody laughs at Gravel. But would anybody dare to laugh at Hillary, Obama or Edwards? No chance. One common trait that trauma survivors have is strong intuition. Mine (strengthened by years abroad) sees the between-the-lines message. It's like stereo. On Channel 1 the words. On Channel 2, what they really mean.
Now, it's all about money and power naturally. I just heard that Obama won in South Carolina. What does this mean for Edwards? Will he continue till he gets his federal funding by Super Tuesday? Will he continue to maximize his position and then give his support to Obama in exchange for an Administration job? The neocon MSM can't wait to put Hillary in office. Meanwhile they spin all the talk about race to her advantage. The truth is there won't be a debate about race. Instead, it's a racial struggle. A lot of people who support Obama are still in the hype phase. But once it's time to vote, will they actually vote for him? It seems kind of sick frankly that in 2008 the MSM is telling women of color you must vote by either race or sex. You're not intelligent enough to pick the most qualified person? Suddenly Bill Clinton says that yes, it really is about race. And this is shocking news? I know I'm not the only person that sees the big picture. But in the big picture I really think it's this massive fear and manipulation that's going to make things worse.
Name any major issue. 9/11, child sex abuse, Eisenhower secretly meeting with aliens in 1951 in Palm Springs, CA. Think for a second. What would happen if all of these were true? It's alleged that there were pedophile orgies going in Bush I's White House. Shortly after coverage started to grow on this, it was stopped. The government literally seized all evidence and shut down all coverage. Now, what if this is true? What if 9/11 was an inside job? Would there be rioting in the streets worldwide? Would all of the people who've been saying this say, see, I told you? Or, would there be a collective sense of relief? When confronted with abuse, I've seen people literally space out to avoid it. They distort reality to fit their own warped version of it. Despite all the truth in front of them they refuse to face it. Desperate people will do and say anything they have to to survive and to protect their money/power/position. If you accept that, then what do trauma survivors do? If they're told that it's all a lie and PTSD is a figment of your imagination (just like global warming?), what do they do? It's like getting raped all over again.
Sometimes the fear hits really hard. I just stop and curl up on the floor and don't know what to do. Nobody listens, nobody cares. And what do I do? Just shut up and go freak out in the corner. Nobody wants to see your weird symptoms. Don't embarass me with this crap. And remember, weakness is not tolerated. No one cares about your s**t. You fix it. Don't expect any sympathy from me because I don't have the patience for it. My little kid and multiples keep asking, how come nobody cares? And sometimes I don't know what to say.