Friday, January 25, 2008

It's Friday and Now What?

Another long week and symptoms are really hitting hard. What's really vicious are dissociating and nightmares. I know spicy food late at night will always do that. But now it's trauma coming out in the worst way. Everybody's out to kill you. You can't trust anybody. What does he want? He attacks me, I kill him. There's never any relief at all. My therapist says this is a perfectly normal outlet for all the trauma. But then again how often does he have these nightmares?

Then you snap awake and it's 3 a.m. You can't go back to sleep. So what do you do now? In a way, it's kind of nice to watch the morning news shows in Europe live online. Much better than the crap here in the States.

After that, more symptoms. Hypo arousal. Dissociating and some adrenalin surges too. Lately dissociating is nasty and comes out of nowhere. You literally feel like you're going to snap. You wanna tear your hair out, punch out anything/anyone next to you. And there's no relief. Are you going to snap in two? Are you going to black out like before? The rest of the world is happy and doing ok. Meanwhile you're stuck fighting this s**t every single day. But almost everyone else doesn't have time to deal with you. It's your fault so you fix it.

I still have my meetings with my multiples and my little kid. How many ways can you tell them I don't know why nobody cares. I don't know why nobody gives a s**t. How come they don't love us? Did we do something wrong? No. Then how come nobody cares? It feels like the whole bloody world couldn't care less. So what do you tell them? Dissociating hits hard and you scream and nobody listens. Are you going to snap? Are you going to kill yourself or somebody else? No. Then what do you do when you try to ground yourself and nothing works? You have no place to hide. Will you snap? Will people around you freak out and run away? Sometimes it feels like there's a short and the dissociating can't be controlled. Now though I think it's re-learning behavior. It becomes second nature and then suddenly you stop. And your body/mind fight back. It's like watching a slide show. Want this fantasy to disappear in? No. Okay, try this one. No. And it keeps going. In the past you couldn't tell the difference between fantasy and reality. You'd try to jump out of it and you couldn't do it. For others it's a split second process. But for me, it used to take literally hours to do.

One good thing about this? I can now see old dissociating patterns more clearly and know when to fight back. But every single day. No break. Will I always have this? My therapist keeps saying no. But at times I wonder. I try to compartmentalize anger at all the assholes that treated me like s**t. How do you turn off 35 years of 24/7 abuse? There's the fear that you'll literally disappear. And then you'll just be an empty shell forever. When you fight back against this you have to fight back really hard. If not, it's like just falling apart and being raped all over again. And I refuse to do that.

Am I the only one that sees what's really going on? I know I'm not. But my intuition reads between the lines and I have very little patience for this s**t. I told my therapist if a neocon wins in November I'm emigrating. I don't care if I have to go underground and be a political refugee forever. It's looking more and more like the neocons will use the same tools (whip up fear of terrorists, a recession, etc.) to get people to say, a person of color as President? I don't think so. With Kucinich beign crushed by the neocon MSM, how can you NOT say that all this s**t doesn't affect you personally?

It's really hard to trust people when you hear them say one thing and your intution hears something different. Sometimes I think, is there a PTSD recovery center somewhere I can go to? Maybe kind of like Crossroads in Antigua for addicts? Of course that's for really rich people who don't have to worry about minor things like health insurance. If we have the greatest health care system in the world, why are people dying in ER hallways? Corporations continue to hire illegal immigrants. They treat them like dogs and pay them almost nothing. But if they get sick, f**k them. Let 'em die. Nobody cares. So the slave class keeps right on going.

It would be nice to have one day symptom-free. Is that too much to ask?

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