Monday, January 21, 2008

Everything Feels Empty

NOTE: This blog contains graphic content, language and "triggers"(sights, words, etc.). These can be harmful to PTSD survivors. If this is you then go elsewhere. Otherwise, please keep reading and thanks for your support.

Everything feels really empty right now. I still have all the symptoms (hyper and hypo arousal, dissociating, adrenalin surges, weakness all over that sometimes feels like MS). Dissociating is really harsh to deal with. PTSD survivors dissociate as a survival mechanism to cope. But when you do this for a long time, it becomes second nature. Then suddenly you try to stop it, and your body/mind fight back. Sometimes it feels like the more you do, the rougher it gets. You feel like tearing your hair out, you scream and punch out the nearest thing. And it still hits you. Now imagine this 24/7. My therapist says it's the flip side of horrible PTSD for 35 years now coming out. But every day you feel like you're getting hammered. And, nobody wants to deal with you.

Triggers are everywhere. Can't watch TV, can't listen to any music. Every sight, sound, color, comment, noise and more have to be edited. If you miss one, then a whole vicious chain of other triggers, dissociating and more happens. Many times this happens in a crowded place with no place to hide. So you try to focus, ground yourself and not explode. But it doesn't always work. What do you do then? Nobody wants to be around you or deal with your weird s**t. Go freak out in the corner, you're scaring my kids. I have no patience for your s**t. You fix it.

Sometimes the fear paralyzes you. You curl up on the floor and can't move. The terror is everywhere. And nobody cares and can't be bothered to waste their valuable time listening to your stupid ass problems that you're to blame for. What the f**k is this? You're a guy that was stupid enough to get raped in the ass more than once? Don't come near me. You deal with it. Weakness is not allowed. No concern, no feelings, no actual human touch/reassurance of any kind. Instead, you f****d up so you fix it. I don't have the time or the patience to be bothered with this s**t. What the f**k's wrong with you?

I scream, I cry. At times I literally feel like I'll snap in two. But if you show any weakness the other guy will f**k you over every time. So you strike first and take what you want. And if they're not strong enough to deal with this then f**k them. Let 'em die.

Right now I feel like a POW. My therapist says that this is a common theme among trauma victims/survivors. But will I always feel like this?

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