Saturday, January 19, 2008

Everything is Really Raw

NOTE: This blog contains graphic language, content and "triggers" (words, images, etc.) that could be upsetting to PTSD survivors. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, please continue and thanks for the support.

It's a really raw and vunerable time. Everything feels magnified and dangerous. Every sight, sound is a trigger that can set off a chain reaction of symptoms. Three days ago I stopped watching U.S. neocon TV. It's too bizarre to deal with. So I said, fine. You don't like me so I'll turn you off. For my news I go to intl. sources. Music I don't listen to right now because it's full of triggers. Which makes going out a challenge. It's like doing security: is this place safe or not? What happens if my symptoms flare up? What do I do then?

Everything is really harsh: hyper and hypoarousal. Physical flashbacks. Triggers. Sometimes I feel like I'm literally going to snap in two. This morning hyperarousal was horrible. It took almost an hour of screaming and fighting to focus so I could come back and wake up. If I don't do that I'm afraid I'll literally fall apart and be comatose.

Dissociating is a never ending battle. It's like it becomes a second nature survival mechanism to deal with being raped and then nobody caring at all. Now when you fight to stop that your body/mind fight back. Sometimes it's like being beaten down all day long. So imagine dealing with that AND all your other daily things. But also remember nobody listening or caring. It's taken me 20 years to find a therapist who's actually qualified in treating PTSD. Another person told me, consider yourself lucky. I agree that I am. But also, I told her how f****d up is this? In a city of 1.5 million people there's ONE person that can do this and doesn't give you an insurance runaround. When it feels like nobody listens, cares or is qualified to deal with this, what's a survivor supposed to do? It goes back to the old you deal with it. Nobody wants to listen to what's fake anyway. So stop wasting my time and get on with it.

Aside from all the holistic things I do, I use lots of White Chestnut flower essence drops every day. It helps to re-align your chi so symptoms can be easier to deal with. But even with that I'm scared. Sometimes I just curl up on my couch and everything's terrifying. The fear paralyzes you and you don't know what to do. My therapist says this is all connected to such horrible severe PTSD stress finally coming out. At times though I don't know what to do. Dissociating is really nasty. I'm not going to fall back into that and all the rituals that built up in the past from that. I really feel like a POW sometimes. Nobody listens or cares. So you say, treat me like s**t, treat me like f*****g dirt. But I will never just roll over, die and give you the satisfaction of saying, see, I told you he was f*****g pathetic. Screw that.

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