Getting Assaulted

First, stay home and clean, wash clothes and other stuff that my personal assistant should be doing. Wait a minute. I still don't have one. Okay, I'll do it.

The longer I try to keep my system clean and stay off of chemicals, sugar, etc., the more scary realizations, sadness and feelings of abandonment come out. It's like watching bits and pieces of scenes, and you don't know what to do. Nobody seems to listen or care. You don't want to hurt either yourself or anyone else. Yet, nobody can be bothered to see what's right in front of them.

Every day it's endless abuse. You have to fight really hard every day to not give into this dissociative garbage. Nobody cares about you. Why don't you just shut the f**k up and die? Nobody will pay attention. And various other crap.

You know you don't want to off yourself. You don't want to get a gun and kill every one who treated you like dirt. You have to fight back, and then at the end of the day you feel like you can't do anything.

Another thing to deal with is the severity of your symptoms. As I go along and try to basically be as healthy as I can, more terrifying realizations come out. The viciousness of long term abuse. This fight to survive is a perfectly normal response. You're not "abnormal" in any way.

Can you trust anyone? I still have problems with taking people at face value in many situations. If I scream and black out, what happens then? Will one of my multiples lash out? How do I explain that later?

Mnay times during the day I feel empty and you just go thru the daily motions. As bad as the pain is at times, I really stick to saying don't dissociate. Do something else. Post here, go to a store, turn everything off and just sit and listen to how you feel. Even when I do that in the morning, you have to fight hard to not dissociate and feel assaulted.

Some days you just feel sad. Then again, what else can you do but keep going.

The current therapist is basically nice. However, at times sessions feel like a business meeting. I'm checking out other therapists if it's necessary to switch. Not yet.

After fighting symptoms all day, you feel like you have really severe MS. You can barely move and feel sore all over. On the other hand, this is a sign that my symptoms are still severe. Not that it's my fault. They just are.

Try to focus. No matter what, don't dissociate.

Do you not know where you are at times? It feels like you're this close to crossing a line and then having no control or idea of what's happening. Now, deal with that a hundred times a day.

It's not my fault.