Sunday, August 25, 2013

A Breakthrough(Contains Potentially Triggering Content. Read at Your Own Risk)

Every trauma survivor has their own history and things to struggle with. Some at times for whatever reasons do better than others. The point though is that you do your best to continue.

In my case, despite all of the horrible things that have happened, I still keep going. Now, I feel like there's a breakthrough.

My trauma history involves several things:

Being raped by three pedophiles (who will never be prosecuted).
Turning to many people in person, and 99% of them said it's your fault, piss off, you deal with it, and other damaging stuff.
Vicious abuse (physical, emotional and verbal).
Rampant racism.

Now, being a severaly traumitized little kid, this garbage doesn't help. For whatever reasons, I used to have the attitude of there's something wrong. I don't know what it is. But every time I try to say something I get abused. Which means the only safe thing to do is to turn away and silently scream so nobody else will be pissed off and scream at me.

It's taken me a long time to finally face that. And I'm embarassed to say that it did. I shouldn't be. At the moment though, I'm struggling with that.

Everybody has their good side and evil side. I'm not some racist, right wing gun carrying monster. Having said that, this means that if some weird thought comes to mind like I'm going to kill every m***********g n****r in this room, I won't do that. Also, the fact that that's there doesn't mean that I'm some horrible person. Instead, for a long time I've been terrified of my evil side. Which also means that anger doesn't get let out in a healthy way.

Not too long ago someone mentioned to me that he thought I should be nicer to myself. You're being too harsh on yourself and hurting your health. Now that my GP is saying that I have arthritis, the question comes to mind. In fighting to survive and not dealing with getting anger out, have I inadvertantly made myself sick?

As I go out right now, I see other people and many times the thought comes to mind I'm gonna kill them. I'm gonna kill everybody in this room. I'm going to track down every asshole that treated me like s**t, beat them into the ground, stab them and smash them into a million f*****g pieces. Would I actually do that? No. On the other hand, I'm not going to penalize myself anymore for being a normal human being.

Thanks for reading.

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