You have to screen everything. Just when you think it's okay, some weird thing comes out of nowhere, and you could end up dissociating for hours. I feel at times like I'm getting assaulted by horrible stuff from all directions. I know that not everybody is evil and out to kill me. Yet, you have to turn things off at times.
I can't handle a lot of my former diet. I still have nightmares, body pain and fight to not dissociate all day long. I feel like I'm detoxifying from a longtime of horrible abuse (from others, and from my old destructive habits to try and escape pain which only made it worse).
This means you feel like you have to constantly be on guard. You constantly have to watch your stress level. Can I take others at face value? Or, is everyone lying to me?
Unless I have to look, I stay away from news as much as possible. Flashbacks and body pain come out of nowhere. You scream all day long and fight to not fall apart. You can't just sit back and do nothing. Is this because of a lifetime of abuse that still needs to be dealt with?
Not by choice, but there's a break in my therapy appointments at the moment. Which means you do your best to cope in the meantime. You fight to not fall apart, and nobody's going to help you. Or, at least it feels like that at times.
Even when I'm sitting and there's no apparent threat anywhere, I still have problems at times with dissociating. It's not just normal daydreaming. It's more than that. A survival response to ongoing abuse?
Am I eating or drinking too much of the wrong things? Will this mess up my stress level? It feels like I have diabetes (in the sense of constantly being aware).
Have I ever thought about putting ads on this blog or selling out to some corporation? I have, but I won't. Thanks for your ongoing support. I don't know who you are. And, you don't know who I am. The NSA knows who all of us are. But, that's a different post. Selling out here would be like the Grateful Dead selling their entire catalog to Microsoft. It won't happen.
In return for that continuing high standard, I only ask one thing. Word-of-mouth advertising. Please give our URL to anyone it might help. UNLESS it threatens someone's healing in some way. The MSM (and progressive) won't go near us. Which means quality and posts that count will beat them at their own game.
Back to my herbal tea.