Friday, July 5, 2013

Is This Detoxifying, or Something Else?

A long day of fighting symptoms and trying to keep some sense of balance. No perfectionism, but balance.

Is this detoxifying, or is something else going on? I literally can't handle any of my favorite foods. Stimulants are out. Trying not to dissociate is still incredibly exhausting. Which means if you can't have something sweet to try and recover your energy, what do you do then?

Who's the third pedophile? I'm not sure. The new therapist says that everybody handles surviving trauma differently. I can't see his face. But I can literally see everything and sense everything else.

How do you deal with a dysfunctional system where you feel like you're the ONLY person who sees and is talking about everything happening? Am I the only one that sees other people's mentally ill behavior? Am I the only one not in ultra severe denial?

Aside from complex symptoms, is there some other medical problem? Tourette's? No. MS? No. Parkinson's? No. Some form of cancer? Again, no.

Have I totally lost my appetite? No. On the other hand, it feels like practically all of may favorite stuff is too triggering. Which means big changes in my diet.

Somebody once asked, am I bi-polar? No I'm not. I have depression at times, but not the manic highs as well.

I still don't feel safe around many people that I know. Did one of them rape me as well? I'm not sure. However, the fear and the need to fight back first is there.

You can't sit back and do nothing. But there's no one there. That doesn't matter. You HAVE to fight back.

How do you explain that to someone who's never been raped? Or, never been raped by three pedophiles that will never be prosecuted?

In trying to not dissociate and black out, I feel at times like I'm going to have a stroke or a heart attack. I try the usual grounding techniques, but much of the time they don't work. What do I do then?

If I don't do anything, I'll literally fall apart. Try living with that fear every day for a really long time. Another reason to have that fear? Nobody will listen or help you in any way.

Is everybody else in the world mentally ill and evil? No. Then again, at times it's really hard to not feel like everybody's a threat.

Lots of periods of time in the past are too horrible to think about. How do deal with that and NOT feel cheated?

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