Saturday, July 13, 2013

Horrible Backed Up Trauma is Flooding Out

Not much sleep last night. I still feel really run down much of the time from fighting symptoms and trying to not black out. Then, you wake up and scream because you're being bombarded with horrible flashbacks, body pain and more. You have to fight back and not black out. If you do, what happens then? What will one of all of my multiples do then? How do I explain it later to whoever's screaming at me?

You fight really hard to not black out and to reassure yourself that no, you're not "insane". You're not going to fall apart and kill everyone in the area. I still think about drinking again at times. Would I actually go back to it? No. On the other hand, it's healthy to admit that the thought is there.

Is anyone paying attention to you? The MSM and progressive as well want nothing to do with us. We have lots of links to various places we think we can trust. Yet, none of them has ever taken the time to cross link (does ANYBODY cross link anymore?), leave comments or anything. I know you can't make anyone do anything. Having said that (and being a normal person), the important thing is that the links are there if someone does need them.

I fight really hard to not black out from dissociating, and at times I literally can't move. The more severe it is, the more severe the pain that comes out. Aside from the current therapist, there's nobody else to turn to. Aside from a crisis line when necessary, unless I move elsewhere, nobody can do anything for me (global austerity cuts).

I literally can't touch anything acidic in my diet. If I do, I end up with horrible body pain all over. It feels like I have Stage 4 leukemia, or some other horrible condition. I can't afford to go to a holistic doctor because here most at twice as expensive as traditional doctors. If the treatment is better, why then is it more expensive? How come you won't deal with health coverage or sliding scale fees? The low income hospital where I go for my therapy doesn't have holistic treatments because they're "experimental". Also, the biggest health provider in this area essentially runs the low income treatment. How's that for "outsourcing logic" by the state?

This means that I have to make extra money to pay for treatment that I know will help me to deal with being raped, which wasn't my fault.

Please take ten seconds and reread the last sentence before continuing.

I feel at times like I'm going to scream and snap in two. Every reputable source that I have tells me the same thing. If trauma doesn't come out in a good way, it will come out in bad ways. What else can you do?

I'm not trying to scream at various people who try to help with the limited resources that they have. It's all YOUR fault. However, many times I have to just turn everything off and just sit and try to focus before I go out. If I don't, it's like everyone's a threat and will try to kill you. I know that's not true. But the thought is still there.

The severity of your symptoms are in correlation with the severity of the underlying trauma.

I don't have a death wish. I don't want to hurt either myself or anyone else. Despite that, I still at times see my life flashing before my eyes. Key scenes are played out and you're watching. You ask, does anyone care if I'm alive? If you do, why have I had endless abuse all this time? How come an innocent little kid is repeatedly raped by three pedophiles, and nobody believes me or does anything about it when I tell the truth about this?

Does my life matter?

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