Wednesday, July 10, 2013

How's Your Balance?

Yes, it's another screen everything kind of day. I stay away from lots of triggering content, and feel like I'm about 6 steps ahead. I know all the outcomes, so why bother even looking? Do something more constructive.

What keeps me out of trouble? The biggest thing in dealing with symptoms is fighting really hard not to dissociate. If you eat too late at night, that leads to nightmares and no sleep. Even if I do that, I still fight to not black out all day long. Blocked anger at times is still a problem. You feel like you're going to snap and attack everyone you see. However, I'm smart enough not to do that  (and then do jail time for assault). It's like you're barely above a line and can stay coherent. If you fall below it, you don't where you are.

Do I have any other medical problem at the moment? Not that I know of.

How do you cope with adrenalin surges? One way is to stay off chemicals as much as possible. Even if you do that, you still have to focus to rebalance your chi (body energy). Now, try doing that all day long, and everything else you have to do.

I feel like I have to constantly watch my stress level. If I don't, my pupils dialate and I feel like I have no control at all. When that happens, I try to eat and drink something to rebalance. Is it connected to your blood sugar level in some way? Maybe also to a weakened immune system, or adrenal burnout.

Still looking everywhere for as many job leads as possible. At times emigrating comes to mind. If the new jobs aren't here, do I need to go out again? If I do, where would I go? Austerity cuts/problems are still everywhere. Europe and Canada? No. Australia? Problems. Other parts of Asia? I'm not sure.

Just in my case, I can't just sit back and do nothing. If I do, I feel like a shell. You then have to literally shock yourself back into feeling normal again. On bad days with anger, I scream and feel like I'm going to black out. Am I going to have a stroke or heart attack as well? Many times the usual grounding techniques don't work.

What do you do then?

Who's the third pedophile that repeatedly raped me and got away with it? I don't know. I still have violent jumpcut flashcuts to being raped and NOBODY listens or cares. It's like constant painful body memory. Someone's always trying to attack you (even though nobody's there). If you sit back and do nothing, it feels like a rape scene out of "Deliverance". And nobody's going to save you.

Where I live, concealed guns are legal. Do I really want to carry one and kill everyone who laughed at me and treated me like dirt? The thought comes to mind. But no I don't.

Do you feel like you can trust people? Or, is everyone a psychotic threat that wants to rape you and then  kill you? Hyperawareness is still a problem (at times, at home as well). I have to reassure my little kid that no, nobody's going to break in and kill us. Break ins and murders do happen. Not here though because it's my job to protect us.

Next question. How come nobody protected us from the three psycho pedophiles?

Just bear in mind it's not my fault. I'm telling the truth, and that's all that matters.

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