Sorry to be away for a few days. It's been a doctor appointment, job hunting and lots of other stuff to do. In the whole process, you also try to keep your balance as best you can.
Understandably, there are also rough moments of trying not to attack everyone you see. Anger in feeling abandoned, and also being let down by what feels like almost every person in person that you turned to for help. You're concerned, but also it's your fault so go away? Today was another doctor's appointment. At times, I felt like the doctor wasn't taking me seriously. Do you think I LIKE having symptoms, pain all over and nightmares as well? Do you think it's fun to not be able to see one of the psycho rapists that attacked me, but to be able to see everything else?
We still screen everything. It feels like I'm about five steps ahead of the world. I know everything that's going to be said and what the reaction will be. Having said that, I also try to bear in mind I'm not responsible for that stuff. It's not my job to singlehandedly save the world. Your overall well being comes first.
Why do so many who say they're concerned about trauma survivors end up treating you like crap? You say at times why should I even talk to you? Since I was raped by three psycho pedophiles, only two people have ever taken the time to give me a non-threatening hug and say I'm sorry you were raped.
What kinds of effects does that long lack of reassuring contact have on someone? I've asked various sources, and nobody has an answer. Does this mean that no studies have ever been done of this? I find that hard to believe (if it's true). Is it a matter of falling back on no case is the same? Therefore, there's no standard solution to this? Nice try, but that's dodging the question.
I fight to not dissociate all day long. Adrenalin surges still happen. You feel like you have no sensation in various parts of your body. You have to try and re-focus your energy to feel "normal" again. If you don't, you'll completely fall apart. That's not just irrational fear. That's what it feels like, every single day.
You can't control what other horrible people do and say. On the other hand, you can ask, why are people so cruel? Why is the system set up to make it incredibly hard for real trauma survivors to try and get the help they need? To get anywhere, is it really that bad that you have to have a celebrity "name" connected to it to get attention?
Why do people say "sex abuse" and not rape, whether it's a woman or a guy survivor? Isn't that like saying "enhanced interrogation techniques" instead of torture? Is it because people are eating breakfast or dinner, and we just don't talk about things like that at those times?
I feel like I'm the only person in my "immediate family" (whatever that means) that's not mentally ill. Am I the only one that sees vicious abuse and denial? Am I the only one who sees that saying being raped by a pedophile is "normal" sexual experimentation is seriously fucked up? Can any sane, rational person NOT see that? Shouldn't any person like that be permanently barred from any contact with kids?
Am I the ONLY one that sees that?
Unless I have to look at it, I stay away from the news. It's too triggering, and why would I want to end up dissociating for a week before I regain some sense of focus? This tells me that yes, my symptoms are still that severe.
One key for all survivors to keep in mind. Your body memory and intuition don't lie. I know that a third serial pedophile repeatedly raped me, and nobody did anything about it. I'm telling the truth, and that's all that matters.
On really bad days, I feel like I have cancer, fibromyalgia and MS all at the same time. Plus there's fear and a sense of abandonment. You feel like an orphan and don't know what to do.
Just try to pay attention to how you feel.