How's your Friday? Here, it's one of those fight symptoms all day long. But it's always that way. How is today different?
Different in the sense of you have to constantly be moving. Always have something to focus on. If you don't, you'll be bombarded and might black out. Can I go out? You try to have some sense of being grounded before you do. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.
If you do go out, how do you get in and out of a crowded place safely? If there are lots of little kids, what do you do? You don't want to hurt anybody (yourself or anyone else). Yet, if there are little kids around you, you have to fight split second thoughts that bombard you. I'm really scared to write this. But I'll try to be brave and face it head on:
There are lots of little kids here. This is fucking great. I could go nuts and fuck the shit out of them.
You tie them up and then torture them. It happened to you. So why not do it to someone else?
The psycho pedophile says I'm gonna fuck you till you bleed. Scream all you want. Nobody will hear you or give a fuck.
I'm not a psycho monster. I'm not a sociopath who doesn't care about anything. Yet I still have these thoughts.
You see a little kid out of the corner of your eye. You don't want to hurt them. But you have to fight really hard to keep some sense of being grounded. You're not a monster. You won't hurt them.
Then, flashbacks to the pedophile raping you. You scream, and the pain doesn't stop. Nobody who says that they care about you does anything. Nobody bursts into the room to save you. No cops do anything. There's no one to save you. No one gets arrested. You get no compensation for being tortured and almost killed more than once. Three fucking psychos that got away with prolonged rape and torture. Also, they'll never do any jail time.
You're not sick. You're not a danger to anybody. Yet, you have to do the responsible thing. If I'm struggling and can't regain some sense of being grounded, I just leave.
I'm not going to hurt myself or anybody else. At times I just turn everything off and sit quietly to try and feel safe. You have to protect yourself and others when necessary.
I can't do anymore today. Protect yourself.