Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Occasional Moments of Clarity

More appointments this week, and battling symptoms. I told my therapist that at times I have moments of clarity. But then you also have moments of despair. You try not to feel paralyzed or just saying I give up, and then offing yourself. You have to do something.

At times, it feels like everything gets weirder and weirder. You feel like you're the only person that sees all of this, and how hypocritical it is. You scream and fight to not black out or snap. You don't want to talk to anybody. You sit next to a little kid, and you struggle to not be bombarded with thoughts about torturing and raping them.

You're not a monster
You're not insane
You're not a sociopath
You not a danger to anybody

You know all of that. Despite that, you have to fight because if you don't, you'll fall apart. Every single day, it was abuse. What else could you do but fight to survive? Now, you still have to fight.

Going out of the house isn't always a problem. Sometimes though, I just stay home and try to regain some sense of being grounded. At other times, I'm so run down that I just lie down to try and rest. When I try to go to bed, I can barely walk.

Then again, you can't not fight back. You don't have that luxury.

Do you ever feel safe? I have periods where no matter I do, you still don't feel safe. What do I do then?

Tomorrow, another blood test. My health comes first. Health is physical and mental.

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