Just staying home right now, and time for some quiet. No power rotation tunes on the boom box. No 24/7 college football. Just quiet.
A rough night last night. We're having trouble focusing at times. It's like you don't know where you are. You look at and hold onto solid things around you in the space you're in. Sometimes though, that doesn't work.
At other times, you feel like pressure is closing in from all sides. You can barely move. It's not because you worked out too hard or did something else to pull or strain something. It feels like you can't breathe. You try to not black out and lose feeling in different parts of your body. Again, sometimes it works and sometimes no.
More nightmares. Lately it's been about abandonment. Everywhere you turn, nobody can be bothered to listen. The message you get from everywhere is you fix it. It's your fault. Weakness isn't tolerated.
How many times have you heard this?
You don't want to feel cheated. You don't want to be angry and burned out. However, it's hard not to when you feel like nobody cares. It's like someone gives you one bag to put your stuff in. They push you out the front door and say, never come back.
How does anyone deal with that? Which direction do you do in? Will anyone care there? Or, will you end up sleeping in some box in an alley while it's raining and feels like it's -10F?
I've been homeless twice. I've had to lie to be able to find a temporary apt. and not get deported. (I'll keep this vague so Homeland Security or Immigration won't come and get me. Even though I am a citizen). I've been laughed at and treated like dirt by everyone from a local doctor to an FBI "trauma specialist".
Do I have to cure myself of something I didn't ask for because of something that happened to me that I also didn't ask for?
Everyone I trust is saying the same thing. This is horrible but not "abnormal" in any way.
It's a mix. Anger, frustration, abandonment, and wondering can I trust literally anyone?
Can YOU trust anyone?