It is the weekend. We're surrounded by different sights and sounds to try and deal better with dissociating. Sometimes that works. Then again, at others you have to screen everything, which can defeat the purpose of that.
Still working on ways to pick up extra money as the job hunt continues. One that I thought would work didn't. Too many potential copyright hassles involved. Which means from now on, it's one hundred per cent all my material.
Aside from that, despair is still crippling. You go thru the motions, and try to look cool and calm on the outside. Yet, at others, you literally feel stuck. Is it all biochemical, or something else? I think that's part of it. Try and keep your ph balance at the right point, and it's like you feel you can focus. Your pupils aren't dialated from an overactive adrenal gland. In the past, that was one of the most terrifying things to try and deal with. It was literally like something was taking over, and you had no way to control it. Nobody would listen or help. You were totally on your own.
We all have different trauma histories to deal with, and healing to cope with now. Do you still feel abandoned? If we try to talk about that with many people, it's frankly insulting when they say it wasn't abandonment. Oh really? What would YOU call it? That's a felony in many states. You can do jail time, pay a fine and potentially lose custody of your kids. Again, that's NOT abandoment?
We still feel scared. We still feel empty. It also at times feels like nobody's paying attention. We literally have to scream and fight to focus and not dissociate so severely that we black out. Do you have to deal with that? At the end of the day we're so exhausted we can barely move. Then again, you can't sit back and do nothing.
We feel sad and cry. We sit and feel like we can't do anything. What do we do now?