Staying in tonight after a long week. Some tea and keeping the noise down as low as possible. We feel like we've been assaulted with symptoms, and just want some quiet. 30 seconds of no dissociating. Just quiet and focus.
For a long time, it's felt like dissociating was 24/7. The reason was for your system to protect itself. Which means it can't change overnight. We understand that. Then again, it feels like a boom box is on 24/7, and you can't turn it off. You scream and fight to not black out, and nobody listens. Or, apparently cares.
You can't sit back and do nothing. You have to be careful so you don't snap and attack somebody else. This doesn't mean perfect bliss. Just a positive balance.
On really bad days, you feel like you literally can't go back to a positive moment. The second you think you found something good, you instantly get hit by millions of flashbacks. What do you do then?
We still cry when we go to sleep at night (or try to). We still feel safer by keeping a weapon at the foot of our bed. Other times, we keep the mobile there are well. Can you trust everyone? Do you feel like you can't even trust some people that you know? We do.
Does this mean that they raped us, and we just never dealt with it? I don't know.
We cover bases and try to create as many options as possible. Despite that, it takes an enormous amount of energy. At the end of the night, you're totally wiped out.
What do you do then?
We scream and try not to literally snap. Did we permenantly damage something in our system? For a long time we poisoned outselves with tons of junk (food, not heroin). Does that mean that now we're starting to heal because we have no tolerance for that anymore?
Have you ever snapped? Do you carry a weapon to protect yourself? Do you have to fight the urge to kill everyone around you? We do.
Do you feel like you're about two weeks ahead of the rest of the world? Our intution is sharp, and we feel like we're picking up on a lot. It's like you see everything that's happening all at once, and nobody else does. We try to use it in a good way.
Do you feel like you're getting eaten alive by anger? Are you burned out or close to being burned out? If yes, how do you deal with this?
At times, we're scared. Is anybody paying attention?