Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Getting Hit Really Hard (Contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

All of my mental health sources tell me the same thing. Considering the horrible trauma you went thru and didn't deal with for a long time (for whatever reasons), it's understandable that it's coming out now.

How is it coming out? Aside from the "standard" mix of PTSD symptoms, another part of it is terrifying flashbacks where you literally feel like you're THIS CLOSE to dying. And nobody will listen, help you or care. You don't want to literally dissolve away and never be seen again. It's like you vanish and then you have no idea of who's taking over and what they're saying or doing. You have to fight really hard to keep what is the core of your personality, if you will from vanishing.

Horrible pain in every part of your body. You scream and nobody listens. Nobody comes running into the room with a weapon to save you. You look for a weapon in the room, but there's nothing there.

How then do you fight back?

One way is for your fight-or-flight mechanism to freeze. Time seems distorted, and you can't move. On the other hand, you're still alive. You feel like a piece of garbage. But you're still alive.

Then, you still feel like a piece of trash. Nobody comes in to help you. Nobody says to call the cops. Nobody says to do a rape kit exam (how many guy survivors are given a rape kit exam?). We were given none of that.

You don't want to hurt either yourself or someone else. Which means you have to fight back. Meanwhile, every day you're getting bombarded with abuse everywhere you turn. Can you trust anybody, or not?

You can't let up for a second. Now, try living under that stress for years and years.

Now, split second flashbacks happen and we scream because of anal pain. It's like every molecule in your body is in pain. However, nobody will listen or save you.

Is it because they just can't be bothered?
Do they care if you're alive?

It's not my job to psychoanalyze them. They chose to do and say horrible things. Now, they have to live with the consequences.

I don't want to hurt myself or anybody else. Having said that, on bad days we just cry all day long. There's despair and a feeling of abandonment. Will anyone notice that we're alive? That's not a suicidal threat. That's expressing a common feeling among survivors.

I don't know what else to say.

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