I won't list all of the violent triggering garbage that's everywhere you look. But we know it's there, and you know that you have to protect yourself. Every day it's a constant battle to not dissociate and just fall apart. You can't take on the pain of the world and yours at the same time. However, you can be aware and remember that your well being comes first.
Nightmares still happen. Usually you then wake up and wonder, how do I go back to sleep? Many times I can't, and instead sit in my living room with peace and quiet. Even in the middle of the night, the sick, violent and racist garbage keeps going. If you're not careful, you feel like you're trapped in an endless loop of dissociating. You have to fight back. You don't have the option of doing nothing.
On bad days with anger, you feel like you're going to snap. I have no desire to hurt myself or anyone else. But you have to do the responsible thing. Sometimes in a crowded place, I just sit. People circulate all around, business keeps on going. Despite that, I just sit and want some sense of safety. Are all of these people psycho terrorists that want to attack and kill me? Probably not. But you do have to protect yourself.
Do you feel like you're the only person that sees all of the hypocracy in the world? I know I'm not. But you still at times have that feeling. I'm six steps ahead of everybody else. I don't want to have a gun in my house to feel safe. I've thought about it. But it's too expensive. So I carry other things with me when I go out. Why? Because I feel safer. At night, I keep my cell phone and a knife next to my bed. You have to protect yourself.
Do you struggle feeling like nobody's listening to you? None of the psychos that repeatedly raped me were ever prosecuted. Nobody did jail time. I got no compensation. I still have violent flashbacks to being raped and screaming in terror.
Nobody saved me.
People say they care about me. But they want nothing to do with me.
I have no desire to torture or rape little kids. But at times those thoughts are there.
You have to protect your well being. Nobody else will do it for you.
Do you feel abandoned? Do you feel paralyzed and don't know what to do? At times I don't want to answer the phone. I don't want to go out. I just want to feel safe in my own home. If I have nightmares, many times I get up and check all over the house to make sure that nobody's here. You have to do it.
On bad days, I just turn things off and rock back and forth. I just want to feel safe.