Saturday, March 18, 2017

Trying to Keep Some Focus

Another day of fighting symptoms and constant exhaustion. Leaving my house isn't the issue. It used to be. At times it took me almost fifteen minutes to actually walk out the door, close it, lock it and then walk away without dissociating and fighting adrenalin surges. But the symptoms are still there.

Being in confined spaces is still a problem. I get in my car and suddenly the psycho rapist is there. He tries to put he in a headlock and then cut my throat with his knife. I fight bak, break his grip and then kill him before he kills me. Now imagine fighting this all day long. Every day. In addition to everything else that's hitting you.

Pain is still there. Circulation pain, arthritic pain, body memory pain. I've never had a day completely free of pain. Completely free of symptoms. I don't know what that's like.

I don't want to dissociate. Don't set yourself up to black out and then have no idea what happened. But you can't sit back and do nothing.

Does feeling abandoned ever go away? I don't know.
I've only had two people since we got raped who actually gave us a reassuring hug and meant it when they said I'm sorry you were raped. What kind of effects does that have on somebody long term?

We're not mentally ill. We're not sick or a threat to anybody. We have health problems that we're trying to deal with as best we can.

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