A long day of fighting symptoms and pain. You have to protect yourself. You fight to maintain some sense of being grounded. But on bad days you feel one step away from offing yourself. You don't want to. But the thoughts are there.
We did nothing wrong. But we struggle with feeling abandoned and at times not knowing what to do. Dissociating puts enormous stress on your heart and circulation. Did a long history of violent unchecked dissociating (not by choice) severely damage my heart? It played a part.
But it's not our fault. You just want to protect your well being.