The pain is always there. You do your best to set boundaries and to protect your well being. But the pain never goes away.
If you don't have it and let your guard down, a triggering thing could literally kill you. I have no desire to off myself. But it's important to face this head on.
Screen everything. Your health is both physical and mental. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You scream and fight to not black out.
At the end of the day, you're too wiped out to do anything. But you have to face your pain.