Friday, July 3, 2009

Some 4th Thoughts

Happy early 4th of July. If you're not American, watch out for nutty Americans. They're everywhere :).

How are you coping with symptoms these days? Lately everything has been really vivid and severe. My therapist says that this is scary but good (it's all the trauma flooding out). Still, try driving and not blacking out because the anger is so bad? Or flashbacks happen and none of the usual grounding techniques work. What do you do then?

Another thing is sights, sounds and more. Every day it feels like you're getting assaulted. Is this a pissed off multiple, or something else? I don't know. But what else can you do but fight back so you don't morph or black out? In the past my multiples would come out and then I didn't know where I was. Does this happen to you?

What about triggers? How are you coping with these? These days it feels like everything is a trigger. Which means much of the time it's some tunes or something else. Do you feel trapped in a crowded place? You want to scream and have nowhere to go. What do you do then?

At night, my multiples and little kid are still terrified because of the fear. What if nobody ever touches us? Does this mean we're bad? No. Does this mean that nobody likes us? I don't think so. Then how come nobody will acknowledge that we're here? How many times can you say, I don't know?

Why is it that others won't admit that you're there?:

They feel trapped. And literally will do anything they have to to escape the situation.
It's just too weird to deal with guy survivors.
If they touch you they'll get raped too.
You're their worst nightmare.
It's your fault (and the other stupid survivor cliches we've all heard).

How come nobody can take ten seconds to say I'm sorry you were raped? If a woman survivor speaks out, everybody says that. If a vet talks about their service, all politicians (if they mean it or not) automatically say, thank you for your service. Even if it's fake, they still say something.

So how come people can't do that for guy survivors? In this area, literally NO OTHER guy survivors will risk talking. Even in a support group, they won't do it. Which means you have to go elsewhere to get help. Does this happen in your area?

How do you handle lucid dreams? We still have to fight back and kill them to make sure it's safe. In a store, it feels like the other people are all dangerous They're all psycho rapists that will kill us. What do we do?

Have you ever snapped or blacked out in a crowded place? How do you cope with that? At times we're this close to just beating the s**t out of everybody there.

But despite all of this, what happens? Nobody will ever say you're there. Nobody can be bothered (aside from your therapist?). How do you cope with it then?

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