Monday, July 20, 2009

Time to Talk

Long time no conversation. How's your week? Lately it's been really rough with symptoms every single day.

Lots of horrible flashbacks, lucid dreams. And agner that makes you feel like you're going to snap in two. You don't want to sink down to the level of these assholes that treated you like s**t. You don't want to drink again, hurt yourself or others. But when money's tight and you can't regularly go to therapy, what do you do? In my case it's use other help lines and sites to try and cope better.

Superficiality is still a big problem. Not the usual stuff that we all have to put up with. But when you're a survivor and you're THIS CLOSE to wanting to kill somebody, how do you smile and say, oh yeah, it's ok? No its not. But society says you don't exist. Nobody will tolerate you talking about being a guy survivor. Yet you're supposed to get help and get it out. So where do you go?

Hyperawareness is still a huge problem. Going to a large store is like going to downtown Baghdad. Is it safe? What do we do if we blackout or dissociate? What happens if flashbacks hit? You get there and everybody's dangerous. Everyone is going to kill you. So you strike first. If there's nowhere to hide, what do you do? Do you just sit down in the middle of the aisle and start to cry? Do you beat the s**t out of everybody in sight?

You get in your car and scream to try and focus and not dissociate. The usual grounding techniques don't help. What do you do then? Lucid dreams happen and NOBODY cares or will help you. We won't get raped again. So you fight and scream to not die. Then when you feel like you're going to snap in two you suddenly get some balance back. But then when you get back home dissociating hits again. So you go out again. Then when you try to go to sleep you still can't. You're afraid to go to sleep. If you do, will you wake up? Will one of your multiples take over and then what happens?

Last night we got no sleep. We had no choice but to fight back. You push as hard as you can to foucs. And then what happens? Nobody will help you.

How do you cope with all of this? Do you fight this all the time? How do you not snap? You have to fight back. Otherwise you'll disappear. How do you do this AND everything else?

Feel free to post your thoughts. I'm working on a collection of helpful PTSD stuff that I'd like to publish somewhere. I have no ghostwriter or personal assistant. So bear with me :).

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