NOTE: This blog is one person's day-to-day fight against PTSD from being raped. Sometimes "triggers" (sight, sounds and other things) are mentioned to illustrate a point. But to never intentionally hurt anybody.
If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going. And thanks for the support.
How's you week. Here, we're hyperaware of everything. Triggers are everywhere. We can't watch TV. We can't read books. We can barely look online at something. Sights, sounds, places, colors. Everything is a threat. When we go out we have to check it out. Is this safe or not?
Symptoms still hit hard. Dissociating and occasionally adrenalin surges. Anger is still vicious. You don't want to sink down to the level of the assholes who treated you like shit. But at times flashbacks and lucid dreams happen. The anger comes out and it's like I'm gonna fucking beat your ass into the ground. Then I'm gonna cut your throat and stab you 100 times. And nobody's gonna hear you or help you. And then you go find another asshole that treated you like shit.
You try and get the anger out in a safe way. Then, you feel totally wiped out. One minute we feel halfway ok. Then suddenly the whole world is beating down on you. You have to fight your way out. And NOBODY is going to help you.
We tried a few times to reach out to some people. But nobody's interested. So finally we said, right. No more of that. You try not to dwell on feeling like the whole world couldn't care less. But at times it's weird that some people say they're concerned. But only about women survivors when they KNOW that there are guy survivors as well.
Why do they do that? If they're in the media, part of it is pressure from management. If it's a ratings period, go for the sensational. Example: little kids who were "molested" by priests. How many times have we seen that in prime time? But, NOBODY ever says this little kid was repeatedly raped. Rape is non-consensual sex, right? Therefore, why the reluctance to say that? Isn't that insulting in a way?
Also insulting is the discrimination against guy survivors. There are some guy vet survivors who have nowhere to go. There's strong pressure from within the military to keep quiet. Yet, if a woman is raped at least someone will try to listen. Then some ex-vets who are in the media talk about women survivors. And NOT ONCE does ANYBODY talk about the guys. If you care so bloody much about the troops then WHY are you deliberately insulting people who are willing to put their butt on the line to protect you?
If you're a celebrity, in society it's ok to talk about this. Everybody will listen to you. Is it because of the message or the "star"? If you're not, who's going to listen? Lately I'm finding that there's more openess about this abroad then here. What are all the reasons? I'm not sure.
How do you deal with this? Especially now with health care, isn't this the perfect time to talk about PTSD as one example of how the Public Option could help? But, nobody in Congress cares.