For a long time, denial of being raped was one of many survival mechanisms. Then, you finally try to face your history as best you can. it's not your fault that you got raped and have a long history of abuse. It was so severe that I had (and still have at times) psycotic symptoms. I'm not psycotic. But this can happen in severe abuse cases.
Yes, you can't control what other horrible people do and say. Having said that, you still struggle with symptoms and trying to not snap. I still have problems in crowded places. I still have nightmares. At other times, no dreams at all. Does that mean that your system needs a break from processing your trauma history?
I'm not a danger to anybody. I'm not a psycho pedophile. But I still at times have thoughts about raping little kids. I just want to feel safe.