Saturday, November 28, 2015

I Have No Death Wish (contains potentially triggering stuff. Read at your own risk)

Another day of fighting symptoms and feeling exhausted most of the time. My niece will be in the psych hospital for a while, and hopefully getting the proper help. Despite that, I still have flashbacks to when I was in one by mistake.

Nobody supported me in any way
Not all, but many of the staff there were sadistic
When I got out, nobody acknowledged me in any way

Do you care that I'm alive? If I jumped out the window and killed myself, would you care? I can't control other people, but I will protect myself from their cruelty.

How is your symptom struggle? The urge to violently dissociate is still there. I don't want to disappear and not know where I am. Binge alcoholism? No. Instead of some Twelve Step approach, I use a holistic health one instead.

I've always tried to face my trauma history in the most non threatening way I can. Psychologically, I believe that's the healthiest thing to do. Do I want to go back to lots of meds? No. I'm up to almost ten a day now. Yes, like my psychiatrist says, not using meds is the tougher way to go. But I think it helps you to deal with your anger and other problems as well.

Why are so many people cruel? I don't know. But I WILL protect myself.

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