Sunday, November 22, 2015

A Draining Fight

Sorry for not posting the past few days. I've been really exhausted battling symptoms. Dissociating is still one of the hardest ones to deal with. It's like an endless cycle. The pressure builds, and you try to not fall into it. Then, you have a second of relief. After that, it starts again. Add to that everything else.

Can I go out? Yes. But every time I do, I have to have an escape plan , in case the worst happens. How do I safely get out of this place without attacking or killing someone? In really crowded places, it feels at times like everything is magnified to the millionth degree. Sights, sounds, colors, scary faces that trigger other flashbacks to horrible people. Everything is connected.

I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't want to torture, rape and kill little kids. The thoughts are there. But I'm not a sick sociopath. I won't do that. Pedophilia, necrophilia, bestiality; no thanks. Every day those thoughts come up.

I'm not insane. But they keep happening.

Torture flashbacks still happen. Where's the line between being psychotic and psychosis symptoms? You scream and fight to not fall apart. Is anybody paying attention?

My niece is going into a psych hospital to hopefully get the proper help. When I was in one, nobody supported me in any way. I'm trying hard to not turn into some cynical monster who doesn't care about anything.

Nobody helped me.
Nobody listened.
Nobody gave me any reassuring hug at all.

Now I'm supposed to instantly be available any time for her?

You fight non stop to get anger and more out. Many times you're this close to blacking out. You don't want to fall apart because, nobody will help you.

We're not bad in anyway. It's not our fault. Yet, nobody wants to admit that we exist.

What else can we do?

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