Saturday, August 9, 2014

Staying Sane in an Insane World

Went out for a run and then put miles in on a stationary bike. After that, some time to just sit and rest. Turn off all rolling 24/7 horrible intl. news. It's not my job to save the world. I just want to sit quietly, and feel safe in my own home. Does this mean I have agoraphobia (fear of leaving home)? No. I just set boundaries and try to focus on bad days to have some sense of being grounded.

On really horrible days, we try to keep our mantra in mind:

We're not insane.
We're not psychotic.
We're not schizophrenic.
We're not a freak, geek, gimp, worthless piece of shit (and other ridiculous garbage).

What we're doing is trying to stay sane in an insane world. You scream and fight really hard to not black out. If I do, will one of my multiples lash out? Then, I'll have no idea of what happened? I try to keep my stress down. Despite that, I still have arrhythmia problems.

I still struggle with the severity of my symptoms. It's like you're back at the first day after being raped. What do we do now?

I've been sober or a long time, and I still have cirrhosis of the liver. I don't feel safe around some people that I know. I rarely sleep for more than two hours at night. When I was admitted to the hospital, I had severe heart disease, arrhythmia, and severe jaundice and cirrhosis. I almost died twice. The first night, my pulse rate was almost 200 beats per minute. The ER people were bombarding me with all kinds of questions and screaming at me (to make sure I was still coherent?). As I was in the ER room, my brother was standing outside. For a split second, I almost felt like I was outside of my own body. You're seeing highlights of your life flashing before your eyes. One minute, he's a little kid crying as he goes off to his first day of school. Then, he's standing in the middle of the ER. There's sadness, because that little kid is gone. And there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm not responsible for the mental health and cruel behavior of others. There's rampant abuse in the "immediate family". Does this mean that now he's abusing the shit out of his kids? I hope not, for their sake.

We just want to feel safe.

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