Saturday, May 24, 2014

Denial is No Longer an Issue

Like a lot of trauma survivors, you try to escape the pain of being raped in other things. In my case, it was lots of junk food and rampant alcoholism. You think it's relief from pain, but it only makes it worse. Now, denial isn't an issue. But the symptoms are still there.

You feel exhausted all the time fighting to not black out. You scream and feel like you're going to snap in two. You try a mix of ways to ground yourself, and many times these don't work.

What do you do then?

One thing that makes my symptoms worse is stimulants. Tiny amounts make you feel like you're going to just snap. This means I still make changes in my diet. Many formerly favorite foods and drinks are now too much. How do I make this dish delicious with no spices?

I'm still working on my disability application. As things slowly happen, I've thought about what's next (either way). At times, I just want to get an apartment by the beach and just heal. I cover all my bills myself, and I don't have to deal with bullies who try to use money as a weapon to control others.

Does PTSD ever go away? I don't know. Do I think about getting a gun and killing the psychos that raped me? At times, yes. Would I actually do that? No. Do I have horrible days with anger and fighting to not black out? Yes.

It's not our fault.

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