Do you take a lot of things as second nature? Or, do you try to trust your intuition to see what happens next? I'm not always right. But I try to pay attention to small things. How things affect you, and not just automatically doing something.
Next week, it's back to more appointments. All trauma survivors at times ask the same questions:
Will I always have PTSD symptoms?
Will I always have to take meds?
Since I know I'm not abnormal in any way, why does it feel like the rest of the world wants nothing to do with me?
I don't know these answers to these. Despite that, that doesn't mean that I don't struggle with the same things. It's like you have to fight really hard to find something positive in your past because it feels like it's all been horrible. You struggle with the severity of your symptoms, and nobody can be bothered to listen. Or, apparently to care.
At times, you feel paralyzed with fear and feelings of abandonment. I still struggle with how severe my symptoms have been and continue to be. You feel like you're the only one who can see all of the hypocracy in the world. You know you're not. But it feels that way.
In my case, everything's connected. At times I've thought, if I had to move to be able to get the proper help that I know I need, where would I go? How would I pay for everything myself, and not be fighting with some bully who tries to use money as a weapon to control others? I want to go back to work. But now, my health comes first.
Any one of the three psychos who raped me could have killed me. Does anybody care about that?
While I can't control what others do and say, I can and will protect myself. Nobody else will look out for that.
I didn't ask for all of this pain. But it's still there.