For our long term readers (or new ones), you know that this blog is a mix of what it's really like to deal with different types of trauma. Whether you're a rape survivor, battered wife or something else, hopefully there's something here that can help in some way. This also means that at times the content can be pretty triggering (never intentionally, though).
Today, lots of frustration and anger. We're trying as much as possible to not dissociate. Instead of disappearing for hours, go the other way. It's kind of like an addict choosing not to use. See what happens instead.
What's happening is lots of pain, frustration and feeling like you're going to have a heart attack. Pressure builds up and you can't do anything. You try to focus, and you still can't do anything. All of my mental health sources say, this is normal. Many rape survivors go thru this.
Dissociating is your body's way to protect you from non-stop stress. In my case, it's been horrible and untreated for a long time. Only 2 therapists helped me for short periods of time. We still have to screen everything because a lot is too triggering. We feel cheated at times and don't know who to kill first.
Thoughts of death and looking outside at your life are also common. We have no death wise of any type. Why then at times is this still there?
We just want to be able to sit and focus for one minute without dissociating.